Connecting

Growing up, I always felt like the child that didn't belong. I don't think that it didn't help that I didn't really have friends until high school. I couldn't call many of the people I met before then friends. They often just would say to me they are my friend to me, but turn around and deny it when asked. I always kept trying to fit in where I could and be apart of things I really didn't care about. There were kind kids along the way that were helpful in many ways, but we were never friends. They were just nice enough to help me.

In high school, I slowly gained people who showed me that friendships were more than I thought them to be. It was so nice for people to be nice to me...I can't say everyone was kind to me. I still had my problems and dealt with them to the best of my ability or just ignored the immaturity of such things. Wasn't really worth my time after nine years of it. I also learned old pains hold tight when never confronted too. I remember when I first saw Tina whatever her last name was that started with an M and Courtney Carrington (yea probably mispelled it). I went to school with Courtney in elementry school. Don't remember a thing...just remember that elementry school was lonely and kids like courtney were never kind at that age. Leaving elementry school, I had hopes of a new life and bad things not following me. That failed cause nikki came too and people were less tolerant in middle school. Yeah...being made fun of was way better than being locked in a tall locker by twenty kids cause they thought it was funny. oh joy! Tina came to my middle school my first year of middle school. She wanted to get kicked out. I was the underdog. So, she put a 'kill me' sign on my back to see about getting suspended to go back to her old  middle school. All that did was prompt a new rule about picking on other children. Anyway, I do admit I think part of me still held things against them for a while. I still don't like seeing tina when I see her on the internet. Not cause of that, just not my quality of person. Eh, maybe just my opinion....but I have right to such a thing. Courtney I was cool with over time. It just makes you realize how painful hurts can be...and they have to be faced. Anyway, I made friends in high school and made the best of my days. I can't say i completely connected. There was always a feeling of something missing, as much as I loved everyone I was friends with in high school.

After high school, I found friends I connected with and felt right with. No issues, no empty feelings. They are as crazy as me and make me feel understood. I could always be myself around them. They loved and accepted my crazy ways. Sometimes enjoyed or encouraged! "Don't feed the catasaurus" people! haha. They showed me that we may not have a lot in things we like to do in common...but we held other things that were far more important like ideas and morals that were far deeper than objects or events. We had a bond of friendship thats far more important than anything. I still hold tight to those friends. I think maybe part of me was missing that I had not discovered yet either that helped it when I was older. I love the feeling I get when I'm around those I feel connected to. I'm not only myself, but i feel very at home. I remember even crying when I heard angel was sad about me moving to mo back in 2009. I mean she's my best friend. Sucks when you hurt someone like that.....but the best part i've learned about good friends is that they are always there and its almost like you haven't left when you see them again....okay minus a few stories and updates. hehe. Some people I've reconnected with and I feel like I have a better friendship on my side now than I did before, which is where the self theory comes from.

I honestly think that right now I'm homesick. This is the longest I've gone without returning back to my mother's to see everyone cause i'm trying to build a life. Its hard when you know you left a full life behind somewhere else that would just take a 12 or so hours drive to get to and less than a week to settle back into...then be as if you never left. It always floats in my mind, but I then remember how happy I am pursuing what I'm doing....and i become determined. Every day that I'm in my classes for my major I just can't wait to return to learn more. The adjustment is hard, but I'll make it. Once everything is settled, I'll go home and visit everyone. Maybe even help Angles put Adams in a headlock. :P I just need to stick through it so I can come out with flying colors. I can't let the homesickness get to me.

I love you all. All my friends are special to me....and no i'm not drunk and nothing's really wrong. O_o got those two messages the other night when i sent that out. I love you teffy. Your replies make my day XD ...haha bakc to what i was saying, I can't wait to see everyone again. You all are with me as I go through this.

dang i'm sleepy! must walk around or something. Got things to do today!

Pretty Happy

So, I know in life we have ideas of how things should go and what should happen. As we grow, we sometimes hold on to some ideas or let go of others. I've thought about the ideas i've had getting older. Most of the child-like ideas I had of life are gone. I stopped really even holding on to how my life should go or what I should do with it thats proper for me to do. My life has been complicated in its own way to cause me to realize and see that I can't plan no matter what. I just live day to day trying to get through that day....when the day ends....I remember the great things that happened and smile. I attempted to make plans, but I don't get upset if they fail. I take another route. I know as a kid and teen I always had happy thoughts of what I would call a "Pretty Happy" life. This was an idea of a perfect life I would have when I was an adult. I can say that its been no where near this idea. My adulthood has changed who I am completely. I don't see those ideas of "Pretty Happy" either. They were ideas of a young unexperienced person. I'm still unexperienced in many ways, but life is awesome like that. You are never without something you haven't done. My ideas now just are from what I've learned and what i know work for MY life. I like them.

With my education though, I dont' think that could be stopped by any changes. I've fought too long and hard to get here. If something goes bad, i can go from plan a to plan zzz for all i care. I want a career that makes me happy. Sign Language and working with Deaf does this. I will fight to the bone for this.

Everything else is up in the air. I dont' plan or care to. there are things I want and hope for, but I don't seek them out. I like them coming more naturally. I can think maybe one day....but maybe one day doesn't matter. What matters is now because its what I live in.