What best friends are for

So cleaning my aunt's kitchen cause awkward slippery stuff was on the floor has got my mind reeling and i can't sleep. I blame the unknown substance. We shall call it bob....cause I learned in high school from my bus driver Bob that if we don't know what it is then it must be named Bob. (hey it what he said...well sorta. :P)

I started thinking about Daniel Talbott. Its an odd person for me to think about honestly. The last time I remember talking to him i was sorta mad at him. In hindsight, i seriously don't blame him. I was lost trying to find answers and using my friend to do so. I didn't know I was lost. I just knew something was wrong and I couldn't figure it out. Harassed the hell out of him thinking I could find the answer that way. So, he completely ignored my existence in the regular polite way people tend to do in sc. XP Then he felt bad and told me. I think i semi tried to continue my harrassment. Keep in mind I didn't see it as that. People do odd things.

Anyway, someone had told me something bad had happened to him a while back. I had asked cause out of no where he came to my mind. I wondered how he was doing. He seemed like he'd be quite successful in life. But, i guess you never know.

Tonight that came to mind while trying to go to sleep. When my mind is running like a train, I can't sleep. I just lay there thinking random things. My mind started to wonder things then I started to see my life all over, especially since high school.....

When it came to friends and understanding life, I've always felt disconnected most of my life. I couldn't understand it. After we moved to sc as kids, I didn't really have friends. I had a limited concept of friendship. I mean its pretty bad when you gotta use the five bucks you hide in your desk in third grade to give to kids so they will be your 'friend' for that day. I remember that five getting stolen at least once. The first time I felt I had friends was in high school, but I still felt disconnected and not understood. I think though a lack of a social life will make it hard on a child to understand many things.

After high school, I kinda wandered. My friends came and went. Many were removed from my life as I started to learn what friendship really was. Others, like the ramseys and Chris, I kept in my memories of good people in my life.

Another thing that happened is that I lost who I was. I kept trying to be who I was in high school when I felt I knew who I was....but I had changed. I couldn't be that person again. It took many many years for me to see that I needed to rediscover who i was and understand myself. It was sad before then. As i said earlier, I harassed people a lot when I didn't realize this. It took a few years, but I eventually saw who I was...and i knew myself completely. I loved who i was.

The missing thing i had in my life though was understanding...the feeling of being understood. Its amazing though when you do. The first time you feel understood. Thats why I am thankful for the Angles. She was the first person that made me feel completely understood in ways that I had been searching for. Angles is an awesome person with a good heart...and boy shorts for jumping nerdy men :p She may have a low tolerance for humanity but she's a gift if you're one of the people in her life she cares about. She helped me after Michael was gone. We do the craziest most retarded shit together and laugh. These are just a few of the reasons I call her my best friend. She is one of the many people I'm thankful for being in my life. She has been there for me for a long time supporting me and listening. She's helped me through many things, whether she knows it or not. I coulda made many choices in my past, but people like her remind me that I would have missed out on a lot of things.

When I think of my life before I was 23, I sorta frown. It was like a drowning hole for me that i felt I couldn't get out of. No one knew I was sinking but me. I kept it to myself. A big light was placed in my life just by taking a job in a call center then meeting this crazy group of people that embraced me when i stopped separating myself mentally from them XP I gained many friends, learned new things about life, became a better person, and gained one of the best people I've known in my life. :D

Intelligence

I was thinking about how i use to be long ago. Growing up, I always wanted to be the smart one. I read ad studied the best i could. I can't say i was smart, but I liked to pretend i was. I wanted to do it cause I didn't seem to have much other talent that could be noticed. I have many times proven I wasn't smart when i tried to pretend.

Sometimes I catch myself doing that. Its rare but i do. I kinda laugh at it now when I see it in hindsight. Some days I felt bad for myself. I was a kid that was always made fun of and hated life. I tried my best to fit in, even though my real reason for being made fun of is no different than what choice you had in the color of your eyes. Children are just cruel. When they have parents who don't care or don't know, it continues.

But there are many things and words in this world I don't know or don't know how to say. I admit that now. I love admitting my faults as an adult. It not only feels good, but its funny. My nicknames of Pinky, Stupid, Stimpy, etc reflect those faults. I embraced them instantly. I embraced those who gave me the names cause they accepted me as I am.

I wish sometimes I knew that as a kid. I wish I knew how great life was when people accept you as who you are. I continuously kept trying to impress those around me and always afraid of being left alone. Pretty much ended up alone anyway until high school, minus one school. The downside to our moving and having psoriasis. ;) I think the greatest school we went to was Wren. It was the first place I went to where I wasn't the underdog and could be me. It was a nice feeling.

Thats my thought of the day.