Words of being there....

I wandered youtube then ended up on this kid named Jamey. According to reports, Jamey took his life a couple months before. He seemed like an awesome kid that was a lot of fun. I dug further into this kid's life then found his twitter. All indications of someone who couldn't handle it anymore was all over his twitter page. Jamey was bullied. They say cause he was gay, but I'm thinking he was a general target. They always pick the kids they know that won't stand back up against them. The reaction that shows on the kid being picked on is what makes it obvious that htey are a good target....i guess. If the bully has attacked this kid for years, the kid is a permanent target, imo. Its easier to attack kids that you've hurt for years rather than search for a new target. This will be unknown.

This doesn't bug me for "moral" reasons. This bugs me cause I was bullied growing up. I got psoriasis in the summer of 1989...I would have been six. It was annoying at first. My psoriasis did not show too much at first. First grade, the second time around since i had to retake it in sc, was easy....okay minus that whole fact I wouldn't do my homework...though that hasn't changed much ;) Kids were nice to me at first. I was normal like everyone else. My skin did not show. I dont remember when my psoriasis started to show. I do remember only having one friend in 2nd grade, Brandon Nix. I remember he had a brother named Berry. I remember being confused at how quickly the kids turned on me. They didn't want to be my friend. Brandon did eventually move. He was an awesome kid for just being my friend. Tyron Moore, I think was his name, was really big into picking at me in third grade. I was the perfect and obvious underdog.  I even paid for friends. They would be nice to me if i gave them money. I would use money karen and mom gave me so kids would be nice to me. That wore out over time, and they started just stealing the money from my desk. I couldn't have friends, publicly, if i wanted. A few kids wanted to be my friend secretly. They would deny if asked they were my friend. I grew use to this. It was lonely, so I accepted what I could get. I honestly dreaded the school year and always looked forward to summer. In the summer, I had camp bethel and Josh, a kid at camp bethel. Camp Bethel was my sanctuary from the world, so I tried to be there as often as possible. Eventually Jill was apart of my summers. She was an awesome kid who is six years younger than me. As I got older, it never improved. My elementary teachers kept watch on me. My second grade teacher always kept in touch. She even bought me clothes and other things. I think Mrs Peak did not know much about how to handle the situation. She tried to do what she could, but just felt limited. Mrs Owens, my fourth grade teacher, always kept me after class. She would find things for me to do so she could talk to me. Her assistant teacher helped too. Fifth grade sucked. i remember doing stupid stuff other kids liked to feel like I had friends. They did not consider me a friend. I was just convenient.  but, it wasn't too bad. It wouldn't be long til we were sent to middle school. Maybe it would be a new better world, right? Well, I was excited when they decided I would go to league middle while the other kids were off to Lakeview or Greenville Middle. I was utterly disappointed when Nikki showed up the first day of classes. I escaped everyone but her. Nikki carried my past with her, and she seemed fine with sharing it. I remember feeling like I was the underdog of the sixth grade. I was the easy one to pick on. Not all the kids did it, but it was the majority. There were the few kind souls. I remember when a kid took the "Kill Me" sign off my back. I guess he brought it to the principle cause me and Tina Mariquin were brought to the office. The girl picked on me cause she wanted to be kicked out of school so she could go back to greenville middle. It doesn't work that way ;) She knew I was the easy target, so she used it. Instead of getting her sent to Greenville middle, her actions enforced a new policy for picking on others at league middle. Doesn't mean it stops kids from finding other ways. when you're the one being picked at, you don't really talk. It either makes it worse or solves nothing, and that was how i thought of it. Another incident i remember was when I got shoved into a locker after lunch. Oh the joy of joys. I was curious about a band locker and bored. So, I opened the door then put my foot on it. I lifted myself up then the next thing I knew I was being pushed into the locker. I heard tons of kids just banging and laughing against the locker. There were probably fifteen to twenty kids outside waiting to get into the music class we were suppose to attend. My sister's teacher, Mrs. Walsh, was the next face I saw. She pried the door open then got me out of the band locker. I was taken to her room to watch Jurassic park with julie. Gotta say, movies and popcorn make life better ;) I think that seventh grade was the best. Wren middle kids didn't pick. They were nice. I loved being there and feeling like a normal kid for once. I even got to enjoy my favorite activity, puppetry. It was sad to leave wren. Returning to greenville county sucked. Kids found reasons to mess with someone. It was less as I got older, but it was still there. Blue ridge wasn't as bad as the city schools, but it still had its immature idiots. I remember having to keep names from Chris Martin in high school when he found out people were messing with me cause of my skin. I think my high school friends were one of my true blessings. Chris made me feel I wasn't alone in my disease. Jess was just well Jess :P I liked being around both of them, even if chris was the king of exaggerated lies. Kimmy, Kristen, and a few others were awesome friends to be around. They made high school enjoyable. I found great places like literary club and FCA where I was in my own type of haven. I loved the people. I think the actual picking on me completely ended by the end of my sophmore year, but I didn't care about it by the end of my freshman year. Though :D it did get me and kristen out of math class a few times in ninth grade XD

So what about home? Shouldn't my parents support me and help me through? Ahh, my home life was a wreck. Custody battles make adults very selfish. Well, that is how I saw it as a kid. My father was never a loving person. I can probably see maybe two times when he was being an actual father to me before Pebbles came along. I was usually told it was my fault or some other reason. This is why I was suicidal in the fourth grade. I had no help or support. I wanted the world to end and me with it. I didn't do it because I was too scared to kill myself. I think thats the only time I appreciate an odd catch 22. It did make me semi psychotic though. The thoughts I had at that time still scare me today, and I still have a few freakish side effects from it every so often. I wanted me and everyone I knew to die. I thought life would be better if i took them with me. I would go lay in my bed pretending i was dead in a coffin. God i don't even want to remember the rest. >.> This is part of why in high school I told my FCA group I understood where the Columbine guys stood then told them they need to be more open and accepting of those different from them.

Here's another thing, bulling and picking leaves marks on you. This is why its shit to me that people do it. Yeah kids are kids, but aren't you the one that teaches them? I realized how much damage was done to me in my earlier years when I saw Courtney Carrington (from elementary) and Tina Mariquin at Blue Ridge. I despised seeing them. I eventually was cool with Courtney. I never made peace with Tina, nor was I willing. She put a damn "Kill Me" sign on me. O_O Its retarded now, but that was dangerous at the same time. You really can't move onward from a bullied past. You become okay and normal in time. But, bullying events still effect you. You either ignore the events to not relive the past or you take a stand. I take stand and open my mouth. If I hide, I am useless and learned nothing from my life. People who are bullied need to know they have those who support them and want to be there for them. They feel most comforted when it is someone in their daily life that they can trust and be near. They CAN and WILL turn suicidal if they are not helped in time.

I think my teachers, pebbles, my mother, and the friends that were my friends no matter what others thought were the ones that saved me. My life was hell for the longest time and would have been worse with out them. I remember when I use to see Pebbles like she was an angel from God. Maybe in a way she was. Life did get better after she came. She lived through some hell for us, and I will be forever grateful for that. She is an extremely amazing woman in her own way. Mom was the one that kept me from becoming a completely psychotic eight year old, even if she didn't know it at the time. I remember traveling Sam's Gap to Tennessee then asked her about suicide or something like that. Mom told me that one life was worth  more than all the gold to God. I thought to myself about that and how I wouldn't want to disappoint her. That helped bring me out of it. I didn't want to think that way cause it would hurt my mother.

Now that my little story of thoughts are over...I have something to say...

Parents - if your kid bullies or is being bullied, you may or may not know. But, raise your children to always be open and accepting. Do your best to make sure their influences are people who are open and accepting of other. They can disagree with things like sexuality and such, but it shouldn't be an issue with them either. They need to know that things they don't understand shouldn't be feared or made fun of. Instead, they can seek to understand what they don't know. I was a normal kid with pink spots. I stand by that today....okay some days i tell kid a monster bit my arm off :p Kids feared not knowing what i had. They didn't and couldn't understand it. Psoriasis was not normal to them. If your kids trust you, educate them on things they don't understand. Make them feel its okay and something good to accept.

I know it won't work on the majority. Most bullies, I would say, have issues. These issues are being taken out on others. Other times, it is just what they are being taught. It is always an issue that has to be looked into. If it were me as a teacher, no bully would like my ass. I wouldn't be mean to them, but I sure would let them learn new things :P

Now...

To those being bullied - I know my words won't go far and the decision in the end is up to you. I can't say "it get better" like the campaign. I don't believe those few words work when you are going through it. It takes more than that. It takes finding a support group and people that you feel love and support you. Sometimes you may not feel it is your family, but there are people out there that will show you how it will be better. You need to search them out as much as possible. They are there for you. Keep those connections and make them so strong that those idiots dont matter anymore. It won't last forever, but I know now feels like forever. Keep your head up. Find a source to give you strength. Mine was music. I found my strength in music, writing, and art. I was free to express myself in those. I felt so free. I loved writing random things I called "writings". Find your source of strength and cling to it. Oh and sometimes, being a smart ass helps ;) or just ignoring them. Ignorance isn't worth anyone's time, and we find ignorance for the rest of our days. Make your stand too. Take a stand and keep your voice strong. People can't tear you down if you take a stand. They will try, but be that statue that doesn't fall. You will gain respect over time or they will ignore you.

That is my opinion. Its four am XD I should sleep.