Cross The Line

I love superchick. I love muscians that stand up or give more than words to their music. Superchick has always stood up and made sure they can be seen in a crowd. I just saw one of their new songs from their latest album. I thought i'd share it. Its called "Cross the Line". Its about standing up and being you. We can be leaders...not followers. They know what revolution is and the good effects it brings. Sometimes we need that in our own lives. I hate doing something just cause everyone else is doing it. I will be me cause its who I am

Follow the leader, stay in the lines
What will people think of what you've done this time?

Go with the crowd, surely somebody knows
Why we're all wearing the emperor's clothes
Play it safe, play by the rules
Or don't play at all - what if you lose?
That's not the secret, but I know what is:
Everybody dies but not everyone lives
Everybody dies but not everyone lives

I'm gonna ride like I've got the cops on my tail
I'm gonna live my life like I'm out on bail

I'm gonna be out front, gonna blaze a trail
I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna
I'm gonna....cross that line

Everybody freeze - don't step over the line
Don't stand up, they'll shoot down the first one who tries
Try to change the world, they'll think you're out of your mind
Revolutions start when someone crosses the line
They want us to lie down, give into the lie
Nothing has to change, and no one has to die
That's not the secret, but I know what is:
Everybody dies, but not everyone lives
Everybody dies, but not everyone lives


I'm gonna ride like I've got the cops on my tail
I'm gonna live my life like I'm out on bail

I'm gonna be out front, gonna blaze a trail
I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna 
I'm gonna...cross that line I'm gonna...cross that line

I'm gonna ride like I've got the cops on my tail
I'm gonna live my life like I'm out on bail

I'm gonna be out front, gonna blaze a trail
I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna

ride like I've got the cops on my tail

I'm gonna live my life like I'm out on bail
I'm gonna be out front, gonna blaze a trail
I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna

I'm gonna...cross that line

Final decision

I went out today. After my citi interview, I had a clear head. Strange how talking about your past jobs can do that! I've thought about it. I took away all the bad stuff. In mo, I have a life, chances for jobs, and everything I want. Its my home to me. That is what is important.

I have been receiving calls all day that I made to help ju find a home. Two have two rooms available. I will be looking at them next week. I really like the one in wentzville because its a house and the people are layback. I love layback. So tired of drama, seriousness, and all. I just like to relax and do whatever.

Also, it may not be as hard as i thought to become a bartender. I will be looking into that when i get there. For now, I'm just doing the resume thing.

If citi calls, I'll decide then if I will go. I think I aced it....I am not sure. But yeah...I'm actually happy and no longer confused. I really hope for the wentzville house. He sounded like he could show me around the county. Thats good cause I wanna know where things are. I want to go out and meet people. Oh yeah and my main hope of becoming a bartender! haha. Makes college good.

I don't know if i mentioned this, but I am looking into joining Aarrow Advertising. They are sign spinners. Look it up! I want to bring them to mo. It may not be this year, but I want to own a franchise in time. Saint Louis and greater saint louis areas have a lot of business. There is a lot they can do there. I feel it would be a great investment. I want to eventually expand a little into middle mo. Just have different branches of the franchise around Middle and Eastern MO. I'm hoping to find people I trust for my business staff. I plan on having layback people for the front end; training, secretary, and all. I need people who make everyone comfortable. A trainer/spinstructor has to be someone fun and lax. That will help others train. I want someone with some talent in moves too. Experience not needed! haha.

But yeah, I'm going back home. I miss it there. One week! I'll be back in O'Fallon!

Indecisive

So maybe its taken a turn for the worst on this decision. I thought i'd be staying in tn. I got angry at mom and doug for getting on my nerves. I just felt like doing things my way. I was happy and proud i cooked eggs on my own. I wanted to clean on my own. They kept going about it.

I don't think doug realizes that when he speaks to people it sounds like attitude constantly. It gets on my nerves. I up and walked out. I wasn't taking any shit. I have been taking enough lately. Every time i want to go somewhere he gets upset and says he can't do it. I'm so tired of this. I'm' so tired of being limited

ju and i spoke about getting a place for six months in mo til she gets her new place. It sounds good cause I can do everything in mo. But there are things i want to do here if given the right chance....don't knwo if i'll get it. I've spent a month trying to get the work study done. its sorta aggravating.

Well I kinda had it and said fuck it, as previously said. Mom later came in and talked to me. I feel bad now cause I think i hurt mom's feelings. Mom just doesn't understand how i feel. she loves it here. I don't. They sometimes make me feel bad in general. Thats why i left to mo. They make me feel like I shouldn't be here with a lot of their jokes. It hurts really. They don't even pay attention to how i feel.

In mo, I don't have to worry about anything but work. There are jobs....but they wait a long time to hire. its annoying.

I have to be honest...my main reason for staying in tn was to reconnect with my family. Seeing danica and everyone that christmas weekend made me think of it. But, its hard when it feels like reconnecting won't happen.

I've decided to apply in both areas this week and see what happens. My phone goes off on the ninth. By then I'll know.

ugh

Last night, I was sure I would stay in tn. But, mom and doug won't stop bitching about money. Its all they talk about. There's more to life than that. They also bitch about my room and five hundred and fifty million other things. Its driving me nuts. I just want to be left alone to do things my way. Its not like i have the resources to clean this room. I mean there's ju's stuff in a corner and a dresser. I have no room for my things or to sort them.

I'm missing mo more and more. I did things my way. I am looking around to return cause some of the crap i'm going through is just plain bullshit. I am not going to make a final decision though. I have an interview tomorrow and things to take care of. I may just wait til I get to mo to decide. I'll know whats succeeded and failed in tn then decide from that.

I'm just damn tired of being treated like some ignorant kid. I have a dirty mouth. deal with it. its who i am. I say stuff repeatedly and its my way of being me. I work and do things a certain way cause I always have. Its a long process to break. I been working on breaking living out of habit a long time. Its got a long way to go.

This is all reminding me why i went to mo instead of living at mom's.

i'm going to just chill in my room today. fuck everything else cause i took a fuc'it'all pill.

what to do....

Okay I'm suppose to be in tn til may. Each day that passes....I still want to be in mo. There are ways around what I'm doing so i can be in mo while finishing up what I need to do thanks to mecc. But the question is, which is wiser to do? I miss mo. They have jobs and a life for me there. I had a rough time but it was getting better. Talking to ju today reminded me that I could go back and share a place with her. I have my car and everything there. I could even have a job.

I still feel like i have responsibilities here. I want to get the cocktail server position and the child care positions. Professional child care will provide me with a lead into some sort of start into that world, as will the cocktail server. I want to take advantage of the cpa....but I can also do that at home too. I'm just not sure yet. There's so much to take care of first before I decide. Angel comes first. I need to find out if the school is open next week so we can get things taken care of before i leave to mo. It'll be the following tuesday that I leave. I have to get everything done for the child care. I have to make sure everything is taken care of for the place in Wentzville. I need to find someone to change my oil so I can eventually go to columbia with Ju to apply with that organization. They are back up for the place in Wenzville. Eastern mo has no options outside of Wentzville. I spent a month calling around. They all said one to two years in saint charles county. The others just said "Sorry we're closed for an unknown amount of time. Check in about a year." This is not fun. The group in Columbia will look for her a place throughout middle mo. Outside of that, ju is trying. We have so much to take care of....I feel bad cause I'm not there to help her. She gets lost easy and has no one to help her. This wasn't how i planned it. Its just how it happened.

Ugh the job offers here vs saint charles county nag me. There are literally none, but tons in Saint Charles Co for me. I seen them from 10-15/hr. We NEVER get that here in tn.

:: sighs :: I guess I'll miss mo til i go back...then miss it again when i leave til i return again. So much to do....too long for to want to wait. We shall see though. I can't says being in tn is all bad cause I have Hardin for math. she is very easy. Its why i didn't mind going to school on campus last spring.

lets see...

To start...I got an interview with citi! I always do have an interview with citi. haha. I never get past the interview. its my fault though. First time I went in....I told them how much better my job was than their's. Last time I looked at the woman after she asked, "Why do you want to do collections?" then answered, "I hate collections." I was not in the best state of mind. I hope I do get in. Citi is good to work for and has excellent benefits!

My greatest news is I'm going to mo for a week. I have to go help Ju get started on her new apt. Hoping to go to columbia, but not so sure about the car's condition. Just been having issues with getting help with Minda. I may need to find other help. I also gotta contact STLCC to see who it was i need to call about fixing my car. oh haha, Mom has had me back for a month and wants me to go back. I guess its cause I don't have that great of luck in tn. But, I got things I need to handle for myself, not just angel. I'll be fine once they are taken care of. First thing is school. Second thing is my blubber :: pats belly :: And YES! I can get rid of that in 5 months! I'll be walking through the Wentzville ren faire lookin good! There are other small things. Those will come in time. I'm taking things day to day. No reason to rush when everything is unexpected.

Oh I'm still fighting unemployment. They still claim I lied to them. I have appealed twice! I'm doing it again until this is fixed. The main issue is that I don't receive half my mail. I may consider a school or p.o. box. I'm not sure yet. I am going to appeal til this is taken care of.

Lets see...school wise. I did awesome. Stepping back from sl cause of my addiction saved me. I got a B in speech and an A in art history. I will probably step back from sl during my school semesters or limit my time. My business partners will help run things during that time. I am taking US History 1, Algebra 2, and College Comp 1 in the spring. I calculated that it will take me til 2014 to graduate though. Thats gonna be rough. Its mostly my core courses. Two are only offered every two years and are reqs for the internship that helps me graduate. One is being offered this spring...and where am i? I wouldn't qualify for it anyway. I have to be in ASL 3, i think, first. I may see if these two are offered at Saint Louis Community or find some way so i won't be in college past 30. (I turn 30 in 2012!) I can do a transit to help me graduate sooner. But I haven't researched it. I want to graduate in two years....but thats not possible. Don't want a total of six and half years for a bachelors. (went to two other schools when i was young cause i could) Oh well. I will enjoy my years. We shall see when i finish!

Oh I am going to try to invest in a franchise business irl. Its called aarrow advertising. I love sign spinning. I believe in the business. I just need to find a way to get it going. I will have the business start in Saint Louis then spread out to Saint Charles County. I will just need some talented people. I plan on having my spin teacher be male. Why? Cause men are so damn competitive! Thats the core of what makes sign spinning great! They try to out do each other. I hope to find a few competitive women too! I think it'll be a great idea.

In the mean time, I will be working on becoming a bartender and saving my money. I mean mo is a drinking state! what better job to have that won't go away? I interviewed a few bartenders in Wentzville. They advised that it would be best if i started out as a cocktail waitress to learn the drinks. They said that most businesses get busy then ask for help. They told me that was how they got started. I'm up for climbing the ladder if i have to! I want a job i enjoy, whether its bartender or running a sign business. Whats life worth if you're not enjoying it?

anyway, I'm going back to my "Torchwood Marathon". Hehe. I reactivated netflix...i'm so movie addicted. Its gonna be worse soon cause angles is selling me her xbox!! woot! I will be playing against my brothers and watching it on mom's tv!

later!

Why I love my mother

No, this is no where near sappy. I don't have your average mother. Doug came into my room with an "eviction notice" today. haha. I'm going to quote it for you

Eviction and How it Affects You

Dear Tenant,

As you know, your account is now or soon will be in "Eviction Status". It's possible that you may not know about or understand the ramifications of what it means to be the subject of an eviction proceeding. Below is a list of easy to understand concequences a person will face as a result of a legal eviction:

1. Eviction Court. This can be a humiliating experience and also matter of permanent public record
2. Dispossession. You will be forcibly removed from the premises. This can be a humiliating experience and also a matter of of permanat public record.
3. Judgement(s). Your credit rating will be severly damaged. This may also result in:
• A collection process until your debt is paid in full
• Possible seizure of assests you may own, including bank accounts
• garnisment of wages
• Notification of credit bureaus causing inability to qualify for lines of credit, including credit cards, car loans, and mortgages.
• Notification of National Tenant Reporting Services causing inability to qualify for rental housing (Most quality rentals require credit and tenant screening)

We understand that you are having diffuculties paying your rent or complying with your lease agreement.

We sincerely hope you will be able to resolve any problems you are currently experiencing and bring your account out of eviction status.

Sincerely,

Owner/Manager

Mom

That made me laugh. Its funny. Mom yells out from the computer room, "I'm calling from nine am to nine pm every day too until i get my money!"

We pick on mom. People think its horrible. They don't get that mom has the same sense of humor. Where do you think we got it? She can throw it right back at us. We may seem disrespectful to our mother, but you just don't know the other side of the story. haha.

SNOOOOOWWWW

It snowed! woot! All I wanted this year was a good snow. I hoped to have that in mo, but I had to leave. What happened friday? SNOW! I'm so happy. I don't need anything for christmas after this!

Man you should have seen it when it came down! it was beautiful. Mom and i went to pay a bill of her's. She got a flat tire. I called Bogard to come help me get to walmart. I watched the rain turn into snow while I waited for him. I didn't have a way back since Bogard was late for work. I wasn't going to oblige him. He's got a lot going for him there right now. Couldn't ruin that in an area with no jobs! So i got fix a flat and walked in the snow. It was fun. I love snow! I forgot how much I love it. maybe cause I'm a winter child...yah know born in the winter!

I got back to where mom was, the laundry mat beside where she paid her bill. haha. I texted everyone i could. Its just awesome. I took what pictures I could. It was hard cause i dropped my phone in the water so it had droplets  on the lens. Fix a flat did not work btw. Mom's tire turned out to have a big rip in it. We sat in the laundry mat til doug came. This time involved the cali homeless. They are still trying to figure out how not to be homeless. This has been going on for five, almost six, years. I figured it out in eight months....go rose! I can give them ideas, but that does not mean it goes far or they think it through when I tell them what to do. They tend to get their own ideas. Yeah, so i spent my time telling a homeless chick how to have a free ride off her b/f for six years if he goes to college. Will it work? Who the hell knows.

Doug got there. He rolled around in the water and cold trying to get the lug nuts off. Man did not know the meaning of gloves either. You could hand them...but he wouldn't take them. After a few hours of trying to get home (1 pm - 5pm), the donut finally got on! Next...the journey home. As usual, no one listened to me to take an easy way home. Doug wanted roan street. The busiest street in five o'clock traffic. yeh! Go you! So, we were stuck in traffic for an hour or two more. We got down to the boones creek area. Traffic was stuck. Turns out no one was  helping push cars up the hills. Eventually, mom got out to help and I followed. It got traffic finally going. One woman couldn't get help to push cause her husband just got out of surgery. Three guys came along to help me push her. I have to admit they didn't need my help. haha. I got to be lazy on that one. This pushing helped us get home at nine pm instead of midnight. The sad part is there was no electric til three am. That means no heat! oh yeah...fun!

oh well. I got through it and enjoyed the hell out of the snow the whole way. i slept most of sat. I'm off to sleep sun morning off, like I always do!

one more thing

Holy shit. I just looked at myself for the first time in years. I don't really get pictures taken of myself. I'm a big chick. I make jokes about it cause I ain't always been big and didn't know til this year how to get rid of my blubber. I never noticed but blubber goes in other places too! holy! I have an oval shaped face. I just uploaded a picture taken from when i went to my brothers. My face is now a circle. I was more afraid of my puffy belly...but dang! my face is puffy too!

yeah i gotta lose the weight....not just for the sake of my face lol Mostly so I won't die of my mom's familys curse of early death...well won't die any earlier considering I do have a cyst in my chest too!

gotta love being a medical fuck up!

Growth

This blogger is not working the way i thought it would. really need to ask leila how she gets hers to post on her social networks. I'm just not nerdy enough to know!

anyway. I've come to see the recent changes in my life that i dislike as a way to change what i don't like. I also see that i'm growing a lot. I'm growing more into the person i want to be. I miss mo. I miss LSL. I've decided that instead of missing them and being sad about it that i should make it my goal to be ready when i leave. I'm glad i lived there cause its the first place in my life that i've lived that love that much. I'm going to take care of the things I need to and keep my goal to get somethings i plan on getting done by focusing on what i want to do when i return. I have a lot in mind! I do need to make a list. I can't wait to start.