Words of being there....

I wandered youtube then ended up on this kid named Jamey. According to reports, Jamey took his life a couple months before. He seemed like an awesome kid that was a lot of fun. I dug further into this kid's life then found his twitter. All indications of someone who couldn't handle it anymore was all over his twitter page. Jamey was bullied. They say cause he was gay, but I'm thinking he was a general target. They always pick the kids they know that won't stand back up against them. The reaction that shows on the kid being picked on is what makes it obvious that htey are a good target....i guess. If the bully has attacked this kid for years, the kid is a permanent target, imo. Its easier to attack kids that you've hurt for years rather than search for a new target. This will be unknown.

This doesn't bug me for "moral" reasons. This bugs me cause I was bullied growing up. I got psoriasis in the summer of 1989...I would have been six. It was annoying at first. My psoriasis did not show too much at first. First grade, the second time around since i had to retake it in sc, was easy....okay minus that whole fact I wouldn't do my homework...though that hasn't changed much ;) Kids were nice to me at first. I was normal like everyone else. My skin did not show. I dont remember when my psoriasis started to show. I do remember only having one friend in 2nd grade, Brandon Nix. I remember he had a brother named Berry. I remember being confused at how quickly the kids turned on me. They didn't want to be my friend. Brandon did eventually move. He was an awesome kid for just being my friend. Tyron Moore, I think was his name, was really big into picking at me in third grade. I was the perfect and obvious underdog.  I even paid for friends. They would be nice to me if i gave them money. I would use money karen and mom gave me so kids would be nice to me. That wore out over time, and they started just stealing the money from my desk. I couldn't have friends, publicly, if i wanted. A few kids wanted to be my friend secretly. They would deny if asked they were my friend. I grew use to this. It was lonely, so I accepted what I could get. I honestly dreaded the school year and always looked forward to summer. In the summer, I had camp bethel and Josh, a kid at camp bethel. Camp Bethel was my sanctuary from the world, so I tried to be there as often as possible. Eventually Jill was apart of my summers. She was an awesome kid who is six years younger than me. As I got older, it never improved. My elementary teachers kept watch on me. My second grade teacher always kept in touch. She even bought me clothes and other things. I think Mrs Peak did not know much about how to handle the situation. She tried to do what she could, but just felt limited. Mrs Owens, my fourth grade teacher, always kept me after class. She would find things for me to do so she could talk to me. Her assistant teacher helped too. Fifth grade sucked. i remember doing stupid stuff other kids liked to feel like I had friends. They did not consider me a friend. I was just convenient.  but, it wasn't too bad. It wouldn't be long til we were sent to middle school. Maybe it would be a new better world, right? Well, I was excited when they decided I would go to league middle while the other kids were off to Lakeview or Greenville Middle. I was utterly disappointed when Nikki showed up the first day of classes. I escaped everyone but her. Nikki carried my past with her, and she seemed fine with sharing it. I remember feeling like I was the underdog of the sixth grade. I was the easy one to pick on. Not all the kids did it, but it was the majority. There were the few kind souls. I remember when a kid took the "Kill Me" sign off my back. I guess he brought it to the principle cause me and Tina Mariquin were brought to the office. The girl picked on me cause she wanted to be kicked out of school so she could go back to greenville middle. It doesn't work that way ;) She knew I was the easy target, so she used it. Instead of getting her sent to Greenville middle, her actions enforced a new policy for picking on others at league middle. Doesn't mean it stops kids from finding other ways. when you're the one being picked at, you don't really talk. It either makes it worse or solves nothing, and that was how i thought of it. Another incident i remember was when I got shoved into a locker after lunch. Oh the joy of joys. I was curious about a band locker and bored. So, I opened the door then put my foot on it. I lifted myself up then the next thing I knew I was being pushed into the locker. I heard tons of kids just banging and laughing against the locker. There were probably fifteen to twenty kids outside waiting to get into the music class we were suppose to attend. My sister's teacher, Mrs. Walsh, was the next face I saw. She pried the door open then got me out of the band locker. I was taken to her room to watch Jurassic park with julie. Gotta say, movies and popcorn make life better ;) I think that seventh grade was the best. Wren middle kids didn't pick. They were nice. I loved being there and feeling like a normal kid for once. I even got to enjoy my favorite activity, puppetry. It was sad to leave wren. Returning to greenville county sucked. Kids found reasons to mess with someone. It was less as I got older, but it was still there. Blue ridge wasn't as bad as the city schools, but it still had its immature idiots. I remember having to keep names from Chris Martin in high school when he found out people were messing with me cause of my skin. I think my high school friends were one of my true blessings. Chris made me feel I wasn't alone in my disease. Jess was just well Jess :P I liked being around both of them, even if chris was the king of exaggerated lies. Kimmy, Kristen, and a few others were awesome friends to be around. They made high school enjoyable. I found great places like literary club and FCA where I was in my own type of haven. I loved the people. I think the actual picking on me completely ended by the end of my sophmore year, but I didn't care about it by the end of my freshman year. Though :D it did get me and kristen out of math class a few times in ninth grade XD

So what about home? Shouldn't my parents support me and help me through? Ahh, my home life was a wreck. Custody battles make adults very selfish. Well, that is how I saw it as a kid. My father was never a loving person. I can probably see maybe two times when he was being an actual father to me before Pebbles came along. I was usually told it was my fault or some other reason. This is why I was suicidal in the fourth grade. I had no help or support. I wanted the world to end and me with it. I didn't do it because I was too scared to kill myself. I think thats the only time I appreciate an odd catch 22. It did make me semi psychotic though. The thoughts I had at that time still scare me today, and I still have a few freakish side effects from it every so often. I wanted me and everyone I knew to die. I thought life would be better if i took them with me. I would go lay in my bed pretending i was dead in a coffin. God i don't even want to remember the rest. >.> This is part of why in high school I told my FCA group I understood where the Columbine guys stood then told them they need to be more open and accepting of those different from them.

Here's another thing, bulling and picking leaves marks on you. This is why its shit to me that people do it. Yeah kids are kids, but aren't you the one that teaches them? I realized how much damage was done to me in my earlier years when I saw Courtney Carrington (from elementary) and Tina Mariquin at Blue Ridge. I despised seeing them. I eventually was cool with Courtney. I never made peace with Tina, nor was I willing. She put a damn "Kill Me" sign on me. O_O Its retarded now, but that was dangerous at the same time. You really can't move onward from a bullied past. You become okay and normal in time. But, bullying events still effect you. You either ignore the events to not relive the past or you take a stand. I take stand and open my mouth. If I hide, I am useless and learned nothing from my life. People who are bullied need to know they have those who support them and want to be there for them. They feel most comforted when it is someone in their daily life that they can trust and be near. They CAN and WILL turn suicidal if they are not helped in time.

I think my teachers, pebbles, my mother, and the friends that were my friends no matter what others thought were the ones that saved me. My life was hell for the longest time and would have been worse with out them. I remember when I use to see Pebbles like she was an angel from God. Maybe in a way she was. Life did get better after she came. She lived through some hell for us, and I will be forever grateful for that. She is an extremely amazing woman in her own way. Mom was the one that kept me from becoming a completely psychotic eight year old, even if she didn't know it at the time. I remember traveling Sam's Gap to Tennessee then asked her about suicide or something like that. Mom told me that one life was worth  more than all the gold to God. I thought to myself about that and how I wouldn't want to disappoint her. That helped bring me out of it. I didn't want to think that way cause it would hurt my mother.

Now that my little story of thoughts are over...I have something to say...

Parents - if your kid bullies or is being bullied, you may or may not know. But, raise your children to always be open and accepting. Do your best to make sure their influences are people who are open and accepting of other. They can disagree with things like sexuality and such, but it shouldn't be an issue with them either. They need to know that things they don't understand shouldn't be feared or made fun of. Instead, they can seek to understand what they don't know. I was a normal kid with pink spots. I stand by that today....okay some days i tell kid a monster bit my arm off :p Kids feared not knowing what i had. They didn't and couldn't understand it. Psoriasis was not normal to them. If your kids trust you, educate them on things they don't understand. Make them feel its okay and something good to accept.

I know it won't work on the majority. Most bullies, I would say, have issues. These issues are being taken out on others. Other times, it is just what they are being taught. It is always an issue that has to be looked into. If it were me as a teacher, no bully would like my ass. I wouldn't be mean to them, but I sure would let them learn new things :P

Now...

To those being bullied - I know my words won't go far and the decision in the end is up to you. I can't say "it get better" like the campaign. I don't believe those few words work when you are going through it. It takes more than that. It takes finding a support group and people that you feel love and support you. Sometimes you may not feel it is your family, but there are people out there that will show you how it will be better. You need to search them out as much as possible. They are there for you. Keep those connections and make them so strong that those idiots dont matter anymore. It won't last forever, but I know now feels like forever. Keep your head up. Find a source to give you strength. Mine was music. I found my strength in music, writing, and art. I was free to express myself in those. I felt so free. I loved writing random things I called "writings". Find your source of strength and cling to it. Oh and sometimes, being a smart ass helps ;) or just ignoring them. Ignorance isn't worth anyone's time, and we find ignorance for the rest of our days. Make your stand too. Take a stand and keep your voice strong. People can't tear you down if you take a stand. They will try, but be that statue that doesn't fall. You will gain respect over time or they will ignore you.

That is my opinion. Its four am XD I should sleep.

critical thinking

Okay, so last week I visited University of Tennessee. UT's program is like any other Educational Interpreting program. It is mainstreamed and focused on kids. The area where you study made me want to cry. OMG the asl lab is a closet! of course >.> the classroom was the size of Wood's ASL Lab before the recent expansion...which that is okay. Don't think UT considers investing in interpreting, though it is one of the most needed positions in the state. Odd, isn't it?

I've been gabbing on and on about going to knoxville if i get accepted. Its not cause I am excited, but I am trying to convince myself it is okay to do this. I feel like I'm settling, but there are so few schools that offer what i want. Most of them are like UT. Off hand I would say CSUN, NTID, and Gally have awesome programs. UNCG and Woods are one step below those. NTID and Gallaudet offer classes you cannot get just anywhere for those interested in Deaf studies. CSUN has some of those classes, but not all of them. They are pretty damn close. UNCG and Woods have a Deaf-centered attitude. UNCG is the same program as woods, but half the price ;) Oh and you have more options for concentrations. Programs like UT are conscience of Deaf, issues, history, etc; but, they cannot get further into them because of funding or some other reason. Educational Interpreting focuses on the mainstream. It gives no reason to have a class on Deaf culture, Deaf lit, or Deaf history. You will be working in a school environment, and you don't need to know much more. It is a VERY important job, but most interpreters take on other jobs too when they aren't working. I don't know. I'm quite odd.

I have to convince myself, because I want to finish my education. I can't be running around for the next two years, like I have been since fall of 09. I'm scared of not getting the education I know I could get. Many people think I sound silly, but I learned a lot at Woods about what I wanted to be as an interpreter and the education I want. Its hard to adjust to the changes. I also want to take the chance to get some sort of Deaf studies in my education while I can. Its easier when you have financial aid. I love learning about Deaf society and history. I also want to be a conscience interpreter. I care about those I work with. So much has already been done in our ignorance as hearing to oppress Deaf in the past. I'm afraid of going into a program that does not understand this.

I guess maybe its good that I know what I want and am aware. I plan on if i have to settle then I can make up for it later when I'm done. THere are things I learned at Woods about my education, ad a lot of it depends on me...especially fluency.

UT freaks me out about my education, but I need to get this over with. I can find assistance in the future for what else I want in my education. Gally offers a Deaf studies major as a graduates adn NTID has a certificate that will allow me to take the classes for my own reasons. You never know what the future holds.

Benji

Last night, I thought about something to myself. I was in south carolina for a day filled of events. One event was my 10 year high school reunion. The event was not too big of a deal for me. I was curious and wanted to go. (Honestly, acted more stupid than I chatted with others...but hard to talk with loud music. I have bad issues with background noise. I always have)

But as I thought, I realized the one friend I have kept since high school is the one I never thought I would keep, Ben Slayton, aka benji. Just to clarify, I give all my friends nick names, and that is the one I gave him long ago. Ben was the awkward kid when I was in high school. First day of Cooke's class, Ben stated he loved ford explorers and firestone tires....a week after the recall of those exact things. He was an okay kid, to me. I chatted with him, especially since he knew my friends that had left high school the year before. I never purposely sought friendship with him. He did seem odd.

Over the years, situations caused me to get to know Ben more. While I lost friends through distrust, betrayal, and various other situations; Ben was still there as a great friend I could hang around with. He's not on the level of say someone I deeply confide in, but he is still a good friend I like to hang out with when I'm in SC. I kind of got to know him more over the years. I started to understand that Ben works in his own ways. He may seem odd at times, but that is the spice of life and what makes him fun. We're all interesting and unique in our own ways. Ben has never been truly awkward or someone to cause me trouble. I encourage him in being silly cause its fun. Life is not all about being serious. We need to relax and have fun at times. I try as much as possible...though its hard with being in school now...just loaded on school work. This semester is all about being perfect on paper >.> eve though i'm a C average student.

So here's to Benji! May you live well and your dreams come true. Remember that they will one day :D Til then, be the awesomeness that is you!

Time to decide

So I took a long walk today to get to Silent Bucs. Mom was at an interview, and I wanted to go to the Silent Bucs Deaf Awareness Week event for today at ETSU. I walked from the post office down to ETSU. Probably a thirty min walk or so for me. I got to ETSU. I was sorta scared. Didn't know these kids. The people I knew had graduated. I bought a candle to support Silent Bucs then sat around since I told mom I'd meet her at ETSU. I chatted with the interpreter until I was somewhat comfortable. The interpreter left for a bit then hearing people came up. What I have been taught from Woods about whats rude and not kicked in. Looked awkward as hell with the fact i was not completely comfortable with myself. Probably confused one hearing kid and the nice kid behind the desk cause i was, out of bad habit, signing my side of the conversation. I am losing my ability to sign so i was sorta limited in helping. A nice kid came up. He wanted to learn more then didn't know that interpreting was a job. Been there, so been there! XD Omg he tried to buy my asl book off me. I was like "nuuuuuuuuuu". It was nice and fun while I waited for mom.

During the walk and my time out, I kept thinking about my list of colleges I had to remake since I dropped my computer, had to recover the hard drive, new hard drive died, then had to get another hard drive to replace it. Oh yes! It was tons of fun. People always mention UT to me, and I always say no because they have no Deaf culture classes what so ever. How can you work with Deaf and not have understanding of Deaf culture ? Yah know? Its not just a single person. You're working within a whole community. I realized though, I can't knock UT off my list. Cause the honest truth is, I'm tired of moving. I've always been tired of it. I want to just stay home. This semester at northeast has shown me how much easier it is for me to pass when i have a home to come to that is stable, well stable as in i have a place to sleep and roof over my head. If things don't go so well on campus, home is a 50.00 bus ride back home (use to be 25...silly ride limits). Yes, they sadly don't have any of the classes i deeply desire, but I can still get those classes at another school. Also at a couple schools, Deaf studies has its own courses. You can go from a certificate to a Masters in it. I'm cool with that. I can also take the classes in the summer. I think its offered in the summer at Woods. To take it during the summer at woods, I need to be fluent in ASL. Spring semester offers it with an interpreter, since the class meets Wood's diversity requirement. (Oh yeah. Woods has Deaf teachers teach on Deaf subjects. Obviously a good idea.)

This UT thing is only an idea. Who knows if it will work or not. The issue I have with state schools is that they maybe cheap but they hurt my ability to have financial aid. I have gone to many colleges and failed because of various situations in my life. I can't say life has been very hard since I was 18, but it hasn't been easy either. Withdrawals and failed classes count towards my "attempted credits". This can cause me to lose financial aid then have to pay for all my classes. Some who have gone to a college then change their major run into this issue. Others may only miss out on a year of school. I have this issue at ETSU, since they counted pretty silly credits like "Telephone techinques" that do not count towards my degree.

We will see how it goes. :D I just want to be able to finish by 35 >.>

Choosing to Lose

Earlier in october, I decided to look into losing weight. I've been researching everything I need to know about not just losing weight but living a healthier lifestyle. There are many who eat foods that are bad for them. They don't gain weight but it builds up to effect their health later in life.

As i stare at myself, I know i started this cause I don't want to become diabetic....at the same time, I remembered before I put on this weight. God things weren't so complicated. This much weight is just annoying. Flabs of skin that annoy you and just meh. Then there's other physical side effects. Never been over weight in my life before I started to gain weight. I know this weight is over a long period of time. I had opportunities to lose it when it was less, but I never took it. Learned my lesson and need to just be reasonable from now on.

God I can't wait to lose the weight. Hoping to go to the gym later.

What best friends are for

So cleaning my aunt's kitchen cause awkward slippery stuff was on the floor has got my mind reeling and i can't sleep. I blame the unknown substance. We shall call it bob....cause I learned in high school from my bus driver Bob that if we don't know what it is then it must be named Bob. (hey it what he said...well sorta. :P)

I started thinking about Daniel Talbott. Its an odd person for me to think about honestly. The last time I remember talking to him i was sorta mad at him. In hindsight, i seriously don't blame him. I was lost trying to find answers and using my friend to do so. I didn't know I was lost. I just knew something was wrong and I couldn't figure it out. Harassed the hell out of him thinking I could find the answer that way. So, he completely ignored my existence in the regular polite way people tend to do in sc. XP Then he felt bad and told me. I think i semi tried to continue my harrassment. Keep in mind I didn't see it as that. People do odd things.

Anyway, someone had told me something bad had happened to him a while back. I had asked cause out of no where he came to my mind. I wondered how he was doing. He seemed like he'd be quite successful in life. But, i guess you never know.

Tonight that came to mind while trying to go to sleep. When my mind is running like a train, I can't sleep. I just lay there thinking random things. My mind started to wonder things then I started to see my life all over, especially since high school.....

When it came to friends and understanding life, I've always felt disconnected most of my life. I couldn't understand it. After we moved to sc as kids, I didn't really have friends. I had a limited concept of friendship. I mean its pretty bad when you gotta use the five bucks you hide in your desk in third grade to give to kids so they will be your 'friend' for that day. I remember that five getting stolen at least once. The first time I felt I had friends was in high school, but I still felt disconnected and not understood. I think though a lack of a social life will make it hard on a child to understand many things.

After high school, I kinda wandered. My friends came and went. Many were removed from my life as I started to learn what friendship really was. Others, like the ramseys and Chris, I kept in my memories of good people in my life.

Another thing that happened is that I lost who I was. I kept trying to be who I was in high school when I felt I knew who I was....but I had changed. I couldn't be that person again. It took many many years for me to see that I needed to rediscover who i was and understand myself. It was sad before then. As i said earlier, I harassed people a lot when I didn't realize this. It took a few years, but I eventually saw who I was...and i knew myself completely. I loved who i was.

The missing thing i had in my life though was understanding...the feeling of being understood. Its amazing though when you do. The first time you feel understood. Thats why I am thankful for the Angles. She was the first person that made me feel completely understood in ways that I had been searching for. Angles is an awesome person with a good heart...and boy shorts for jumping nerdy men :p She may have a low tolerance for humanity but she's a gift if you're one of the people in her life she cares about. She helped me after Michael was gone. We do the craziest most retarded shit together and laugh. These are just a few of the reasons I call her my best friend. She is one of the many people I'm thankful for being in my life. She has been there for me for a long time supporting me and listening. She's helped me through many things, whether she knows it or not. I coulda made many choices in my past, but people like her remind me that I would have missed out on a lot of things.

When I think of my life before I was 23, I sorta frown. It was like a drowning hole for me that i felt I couldn't get out of. No one knew I was sinking but me. I kept it to myself. A big light was placed in my life just by taking a job in a call center then meeting this crazy group of people that embraced me when i stopped separating myself mentally from them XP I gained many friends, learned new things about life, became a better person, and gained one of the best people I've known in my life. :D

Intelligence

I was thinking about how i use to be long ago. Growing up, I always wanted to be the smart one. I read ad studied the best i could. I can't say i was smart, but I liked to pretend i was. I wanted to do it cause I didn't seem to have much other talent that could be noticed. I have many times proven I wasn't smart when i tried to pretend.

Sometimes I catch myself doing that. Its rare but i do. I kinda laugh at it now when I see it in hindsight. Some days I felt bad for myself. I was a kid that was always made fun of and hated life. I tried my best to fit in, even though my real reason for being made fun of is no different than what choice you had in the color of your eyes. Children are just cruel. When they have parents who don't care or don't know, it continues.

But there are many things and words in this world I don't know or don't know how to say. I admit that now. I love admitting my faults as an adult. It not only feels good, but its funny. My nicknames of Pinky, Stupid, Stimpy, etc reflect those faults. I embraced them instantly. I embraced those who gave me the names cause they accepted me as I am.

I wish sometimes I knew that as a kid. I wish I knew how great life was when people accept you as who you are. I continuously kept trying to impress those around me and always afraid of being left alone. Pretty much ended up alone anyway until high school, minus one school. The downside to our moving and having psoriasis. ;) I think the greatest school we went to was Wren. It was the first place I went to where I wasn't the underdog and could be me. It was a nice feeling.

Thats my thought of the day.

stupid human tricks

So i was thinking about something a while ago after finding some pictures. There are things in my life i prefer not to talk about cause they were either that stupid or that bad. Usually they were choices I made. Things i had no choice in I'm fine with.

In 2006 - 2008, I made stupid choices cause i wanted to escape my life and went through some things as a side effect...but as i think about those things and the stupid choices I made....I was glad to have people there for me. I remember the crap i had to endure cause of Sandra...I was glad to have angel and her troll jokes. When i felt bad, I had friends and people there for me. I learned a lot and grew because of it. The people I gained as friends taught me a lot and helped me to become a better person. I don't think I could have done better without them.

Relationships....

I'm going to try to make this as understandable as possible, which usually doesn't work out. XP

All around me i see people in relationships...dating, married, or what not. Long ago far away it use to make me sad cause I didn't have one of those and never experienced a REAL one. Part of that loneliness is what made me jump into one with my ex. Over the years, I've stayed by myself. I did it at first because i was hurt from everything with michael and confused. It took probably about a year and half or more to get over him. No more than two years. Over time, I've become comfortable with myself. I actually like being by myself. I have interest in men and so forth, but I just don't have interest in relationships right now. I don't foresee me with kids or any of that. No man in my life has actually ever really interested me to the point I wanted to date them. I'm picky as my friends say. Trust me, they have tried. Though 'cross dressing michael jackson man with the holes in his jeans and shirt balding issue with vanilla preferences' was a bad BAD choice. The thing is...I'm fine with being single. I'm very fine with it. I like being me and want only people around who appreciate me for who I am. I want people who respect me for the person I am. I don't care if its friends, family, or what not.

The fact that I've never been interested in someone enough to date them just tells me that I'll probably be single for the rest of my days. I'm fine with that. I have a life with problems but its a fulfilling life in its own way. Its a great life. Anyone who knew what i went through growing up would know a lot of what I go through now is nothing in comparison. In truth, I would say only my father, siblings, Elisha, and Pebbles knew what we really went through. My younger years has taught my older self to live a full life and do what it takes to be happy in my own life. Doesn't have to be filled with drama or a bad path. Those are choices...choices i can choose to not do.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I don't mind anything about my situation. I'm not closed to the idea of something happening in the future, but I'm not going to hope for it. I live day to day. I can't hope for more than to get through the day I'm in. Who knows what could happen. With my body :P really who does know XD I got too many diseases that show me to just live daily.

Taking action

So being alone this week has given me time to calm down and think. I do better when I'm by myself. Helps me sort things together. I've come to realize that being unemployed, stuck in the middle of nowhere with no way to get anywhere, idle time, no jobs in the paper, and multiple amounts of other things has caused me to just not want to try at all. With the amount of technology in my life (cause i love technology), its easy to escape into those things and not try at all. I've spent time thinking about how i could get what i needed done without escaping. I am removing skype, steam, and second life from my computer. I'm hiding the links to the games. I am stopping the creation of my sl items and posting them for now

I have a lot of things to take care of and get in order. I'll go back to my online business and continue onward when i get these things set. The amount of time it'll take is unknown, but its important i do these cause this is my real life i'm talking about that needs to be put in order. It has to come first. Once i get it settled, I'll probably limit my online time to weekends. School and everything else must come first.

I love my online world and online friends. They are all wonderful people that help contribute to me, but I know you can get lost in the online world and make it your whole life. I don't need to do that right now. I want to finish my education and get my life going. Thank you all.

decisions....

Yah know all my posts are named that XD but its true about my life the past few years. constant decisions, not stability...and all i want is one school so i can finish college.

Last week i lost my job...its not a sad loss seeing as i wasn't all that happy...just disappointing cause i still owe woods 1200. Woods in the end was just too expensive. I can't afford 4k/year and go to school in the middle of no where with no license. Very hard to get a job in a small town like that. I will miss William Woods though. Their program doesn't just work on your education but your personal being. Lead lets you have experiences I never got at ETSU. I knew I could grow so much as a person if i stayed, but I just can't afford it. I had to take care of myself and pay for school. Those expenses cost more than 4k a year.

So I returned home and have continued my hunt. I thought of going to ut cause its close. Its program doesn't offer the same classes or understanding as woods. The program is more mainstreamed than Deaf oriented. Wasn't too estatic about that. I took a second look at uncg since that was in nc. My brothers are in the carolinas. Feeling somewhat close to family at a school would be more of a comfort. UNCG has a program focused on Deaf professions in teaching, advocacy, and interpreting. They have a lot of classes I want. I was excited...I've started the application process for uncg. O_O i swear they want me to give blood!! Either way, both schools require me to give 30 credit hours or more for general studies...um...oops? Well there goes that chance. I'm not that far from such an idea, but I doubt I'll have what they want by fall. I will have to hold off til spring or next fall because I have yet to do my taxes or fasfa for august. I usually do it on time but i've just had so much to do and had some of my things lost. Its completely delayed me.

So now, i am talking with nashville state and Northeast state. Nashville state has classes that are completely online and northeast just has my application...has for years XD haha. They kinda have the same view as ungc vs ut programs. Nashville state is completely flexible and has classes i want while northeast is just convenient. NE i can get in faster, but I'd prefer nashville state if i can get in. Its just so late to register. It'd be easy if i had already had done my taxes. only takes two weeks for fafsa.

oh well the race is on. I need many credits, 10 to 12 varying to the school, before i can attend. I can get 6 this summer. If i can find a way to get more money, maybe able to get more . who knows.  My hope is to go to uncg then to etsu. Maybe attend both at the same time if possible. I still want to take garman's history class! Its awesome! :D

We shall see how this works out. I'll apply to both ut and uncg to see who accepts me.

Decisions....

I'm tired right now, but I want to type about this before I forget to . I've argued with this in my head over and over. I require a lot from my education in interpreting, especially after what I learned at woods. The Woods program is very Deaf-minded in the sense of considering Deaf culture, having others understand Deaf, and many other things. We even discussed issues like how interpreters can oppress Deaf and Deaf rights. There is a program closer in Greensboro that looks just as good. They even have a Deaf advocacy major. But, my life is here in northeast Tennessee, as it has been since i graduated high school in 2001.

My answer came to me when I got a job last week and was assured to me when i went to work today, tired as i maybe. I realized that I need to work and have a good life to help me while I'm in college. The past two years have been rough. I can't handle it any longer. UT has a program. I wouldn't call it the best in regards to the classes I've seen listed, but at least its a program. UT isn't that far away, and I can take summer classes on the things I would have at woods through Nashville State and a few other schools that offer classes that are similar. I don't like settling, but I need to for now. If something in my life causes that to change, I'll see what I want to do from there. What it looks like at this moment is I should stay here and get my education. I plan on taking my core interpreting classes at UT and my generals and digital media classes at ETSU. Financial aid can only be given to one school. I don't have financial aid at ETSU til I retake comp 1 and both US history class, but I can have financial aid at UT. So, I will have my financial aid go to UT. The extra can be saved for ETSU classes. This is possible because the extra money at these two schools is given before the semester starts. Its pretty good money for the next year since I didn't make much last year. If i still have extra - since I'm still counted as poor-, I can save it for when I end up on loans again. Its good to be instate and at a cheap school :p

I need to lay down. i'm exhausted.

5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Decisions...decisions...

Beginning of the month I was faced with a decision....to keep where I live by paying the deposits and signing the lease or finding a new place by march first. I wasn't sure at first. I wanted to continue and make a life here, but it was sorta a selfish hope too. I stay in fulton for myself, and no one else. Its really selfish. I have lina and my sister here too. Fulton doesn't benefit them. I brought them into the room and talked. We thought we'd moved to columbia but sign the lease if it doesn't work out. There was a third plan of me and lina returning home if we couldn't find a place. As the week progressed, I just wanted to go home. So much has happened over the past few months. I've had the hardest time since I first moved to mo keeping a place. I would go from one room for rent/sublease to another. I never had a place of my own to keep. I was hoping this place would be it. The truth though sits me in the face. I have a house that is old and 550 a month. It needs to be fixed up and I don't have the money for it. Jobs are all the way in columbia. I have no license. Its been suspended for almost two years. I have probably thousands in fines that need to be paid.

I've realized that i need to figure out my next steps in life. I love going to woods. The asl program is amazing and everything i want. I love all that I'm learning. McCray's perspective on Deaf and what we should do on interpreters is what I want as apart of my education cause I've seen so many treat Deaf as if they are disabled, stupid, or what not. Its not right. They have full lives. They just can't hear. They have a world and community all their own. The other day I was told by some tax preparer owner that I was so kind to do things for Deaf. I wanted to smack him or something. The way he talked about them was just completely wrong. I am interested in interpreting and asl studies because I love asl and at woods i learned that the area of Deaf studies incorporates everything I love studying into one degree. All my questions and concerns about the direction I was going in had been answered in that one semester. I loved it. i couldn't get enough of what I was studying. I was in my element among the interpreting students. I loved that woods took on the aspect that many interpreters out there weren't at the level that they should be and wanted asl to be our B language (second language that you are fluent as possible with since its not your native language). Its not about the job, but the people we serve.

But, I also had trouble at woods. I've been out of college for too long. I would have breezed through last semester with no issues if i was fresh out of high school. I was able to breeze until i was 22. I could do math and english easily. i can't now. I need help. I need my basics taken care of in an environment where I'm not alone and always searching for help. Away from Tennessee, I'm always seeking out home and work while trying to attempt school. Its not going so well for me. I know i can have what I need back home while going to school. I have many adjustments I have not made that I need for school. I need to focus on my general classes so that I can pass and be adjusted to school. It may take me a long time to pass, but I need to take the best path for me. Many options lay before me to help me. I can attend UT, go to nashville state or northeast state. I can return to ETSU once I've taken three good grade classes so that my gpa is back up. I think I should probably look at northeast or nashville state for the summer. Would only do nash state if they are doing asl 2. I have til july to figure out my next step....if i'll return to woods or if i'll stay to take care of my core classes.

A few other issues deal with transportation, my tickets, and a few other things. These may determine when i graduate.

There's a lot for me to think about and figure out over the next few months. I need to be an a place where I can do that. The best place is at home at my mothers. As hectic as it can be there, its home and where I can get my head together. Hopefully, I'll know by july. If not, I'll attend northeast state and ETSU until I do.

Connecting

Growing up, I always felt like the child that didn't belong. I don't think that it didn't help that I didn't really have friends until high school. I couldn't call many of the people I met before then friends. They often just would say to me they are my friend to me, but turn around and deny it when asked. I always kept trying to fit in where I could and be apart of things I really didn't care about. There were kind kids along the way that were helpful in many ways, but we were never friends. They were just nice enough to help me.

In high school, I slowly gained people who showed me that friendships were more than I thought them to be. It was so nice for people to be nice to me...I can't say everyone was kind to me. I still had my problems and dealt with them to the best of my ability or just ignored the immaturity of such things. Wasn't really worth my time after nine years of it. I also learned old pains hold tight when never confronted too. I remember when I first saw Tina whatever her last name was that started with an M and Courtney Carrington (yea probably mispelled it). I went to school with Courtney in elementry school. Don't remember a thing...just remember that elementry school was lonely and kids like courtney were never kind at that age. Leaving elementry school, I had hopes of a new life and bad things not following me. That failed cause nikki came too and people were less tolerant in middle school. Yeah...being made fun of was way better than being locked in a tall locker by twenty kids cause they thought it was funny. oh joy! Tina came to my middle school my first year of middle school. She wanted to get kicked out. I was the underdog. So, she put a 'kill me' sign on my back to see about getting suspended to go back to her old  middle school. All that did was prompt a new rule about picking on other children. Anyway, I do admit I think part of me still held things against them for a while. I still don't like seeing tina when I see her on the internet. Not cause of that, just not my quality of person. Eh, maybe just my opinion....but I have right to such a thing. Courtney I was cool with over time. It just makes you realize how painful hurts can be...and they have to be faced. Anyway, I made friends in high school and made the best of my days. I can't say i completely connected. There was always a feeling of something missing, as much as I loved everyone I was friends with in high school.

After high school, I found friends I connected with and felt right with. No issues, no empty feelings. They are as crazy as me and make me feel understood. I could always be myself around them. They loved and accepted my crazy ways. Sometimes enjoyed or encouraged! "Don't feed the catasaurus" people! haha. They showed me that we may not have a lot in things we like to do in common...but we held other things that were far more important like ideas and morals that were far deeper than objects or events. We had a bond of friendship thats far more important than anything. I still hold tight to those friends. I think maybe part of me was missing that I had not discovered yet either that helped it when I was older. I love the feeling I get when I'm around those I feel connected to. I'm not only myself, but i feel very at home. I remember even crying when I heard angel was sad about me moving to mo back in 2009. I mean she's my best friend. Sucks when you hurt someone like that.....but the best part i've learned about good friends is that they are always there and its almost like you haven't left when you see them again....okay minus a few stories and updates. hehe. Some people I've reconnected with and I feel like I have a better friendship on my side now than I did before, which is where the self theory comes from.

I honestly think that right now I'm homesick. This is the longest I've gone without returning back to my mother's to see everyone cause i'm trying to build a life. Its hard when you know you left a full life behind somewhere else that would just take a 12 or so hours drive to get to and less than a week to settle back into...then be as if you never left. It always floats in my mind, but I then remember how happy I am pursuing what I'm doing....and i become determined. Every day that I'm in my classes for my major I just can't wait to return to learn more. The adjustment is hard, but I'll make it. Once everything is settled, I'll go home and visit everyone. Maybe even help Angles put Adams in a headlock. :P I just need to stick through it so I can come out with flying colors. I can't let the homesickness get to me.

I love you all. All my friends are special to me....and no i'm not drunk and nothing's really wrong. O_o got those two messages the other night when i sent that out. I love you teffy. Your replies make my day XD ...haha bakc to what i was saying, I can't wait to see everyone again. You all are with me as I go through this.

dang i'm sleepy! must walk around or something. Got things to do today!

Pretty Happy

So, I know in life we have ideas of how things should go and what should happen. As we grow, we sometimes hold on to some ideas or let go of others. I've thought about the ideas i've had getting older. Most of the child-like ideas I had of life are gone. I stopped really even holding on to how my life should go or what I should do with it thats proper for me to do. My life has been complicated in its own way to cause me to realize and see that I can't plan no matter what. I just live day to day trying to get through that day....when the day ends....I remember the great things that happened and smile. I attempted to make plans, but I don't get upset if they fail. I take another route. I know as a kid and teen I always had happy thoughts of what I would call a "Pretty Happy" life. This was an idea of a perfect life I would have when I was an adult. I can say that its been no where near this idea. My adulthood has changed who I am completely. I don't see those ideas of "Pretty Happy" either. They were ideas of a young unexperienced person. I'm still unexperienced in many ways, but life is awesome like that. You are never without something you haven't done. My ideas now just are from what I've learned and what i know work for MY life. I like them.

With my education though, I dont' think that could be stopped by any changes. I've fought too long and hard to get here. If something goes bad, i can go from plan a to plan zzz for all i care. I want a career that makes me happy. Sign Language and working with Deaf does this. I will fight to the bone for this.

Everything else is up in the air. I dont' plan or care to. there are things I want and hope for, but I don't seek them out. I like them coming more naturally. I can think maybe one day....but maybe one day doesn't matter. What matters is now because its what I live in.