Intelligence

I was thinking about how i use to be long ago. Growing up, I always wanted to be the smart one. I read ad studied the best i could. I can't say i was smart, but I liked to pretend i was. I wanted to do it cause I didn't seem to have much other talent that could be noticed. I have many times proven I wasn't smart when i tried to pretend.

Sometimes I catch myself doing that. Its rare but i do. I kinda laugh at it now when I see it in hindsight. Some days I felt bad for myself. I was a kid that was always made fun of and hated life. I tried my best to fit in, even though my real reason for being made fun of is no different than what choice you had in the color of your eyes. Children are just cruel. When they have parents who don't care or don't know, it continues.

But there are many things and words in this world I don't know or don't know how to say. I admit that now. I love admitting my faults as an adult. It not only feels good, but its funny. My nicknames of Pinky, Stupid, Stimpy, etc reflect those faults. I embraced them instantly. I embraced those who gave me the names cause they accepted me as I am.

I wish sometimes I knew that as a kid. I wish I knew how great life was when people accept you as who you are. I continuously kept trying to impress those around me and always afraid of being left alone. Pretty much ended up alone anyway until high school, minus one school. The downside to our moving and having psoriasis. ;) I think the greatest school we went to was Wren. It was the first place I went to where I wasn't the underdog and could be me. It was a nice feeling.

Thats my thought of the day.

stupid human tricks

So i was thinking about something a while ago after finding some pictures. There are things in my life i prefer not to talk about cause they were either that stupid or that bad. Usually they were choices I made. Things i had no choice in I'm fine with.

In 2006 - 2008, I made stupid choices cause i wanted to escape my life and went through some things as a side effect...but as i think about those things and the stupid choices I made....I was glad to have people there for me. I remember the crap i had to endure cause of Sandra...I was glad to have angel and her troll jokes. When i felt bad, I had friends and people there for me. I learned a lot and grew because of it. The people I gained as friends taught me a lot and helped me to become a better person. I don't think I could have done better without them.

Relationships....

I'm going to try to make this as understandable as possible, which usually doesn't work out. XP

All around me i see people in relationships...dating, married, or what not. Long ago far away it use to make me sad cause I didn't have one of those and never experienced a REAL one. Part of that loneliness is what made me jump into one with my ex. Over the years, I've stayed by myself. I did it at first because i was hurt from everything with michael and confused. It took probably about a year and half or more to get over him. No more than two years. Over time, I've become comfortable with myself. I actually like being by myself. I have interest in men and so forth, but I just don't have interest in relationships right now. I don't foresee me with kids or any of that. No man in my life has actually ever really interested me to the point I wanted to date them. I'm picky as my friends say. Trust me, they have tried. Though 'cross dressing michael jackson man with the holes in his jeans and shirt balding issue with vanilla preferences' was a bad BAD choice. The thing is...I'm fine with being single. I'm very fine with it. I like being me and want only people around who appreciate me for who I am. I want people who respect me for the person I am. I don't care if its friends, family, or what not.

The fact that I've never been interested in someone enough to date them just tells me that I'll probably be single for the rest of my days. I'm fine with that. I have a life with problems but its a fulfilling life in its own way. Its a great life. Anyone who knew what i went through growing up would know a lot of what I go through now is nothing in comparison. In truth, I would say only my father, siblings, Elisha, and Pebbles knew what we really went through. My younger years has taught my older self to live a full life and do what it takes to be happy in my own life. Doesn't have to be filled with drama or a bad path. Those are choices...choices i can choose to not do.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I don't mind anything about my situation. I'm not closed to the idea of something happening in the future, but I'm not going to hope for it. I live day to day. I can't hope for more than to get through the day I'm in. Who knows what could happen. With my body :P really who does know XD I got too many diseases that show me to just live daily.

Taking action

So being alone this week has given me time to calm down and think. I do better when I'm by myself. Helps me sort things together. I've come to realize that being unemployed, stuck in the middle of nowhere with no way to get anywhere, idle time, no jobs in the paper, and multiple amounts of other things has caused me to just not want to try at all. With the amount of technology in my life (cause i love technology), its easy to escape into those things and not try at all. I've spent time thinking about how i could get what i needed done without escaping. I am removing skype, steam, and second life from my computer. I'm hiding the links to the games. I am stopping the creation of my sl items and posting them for now

I have a lot of things to take care of and get in order. I'll go back to my online business and continue onward when i get these things set. The amount of time it'll take is unknown, but its important i do these cause this is my real life i'm talking about that needs to be put in order. It has to come first. Once i get it settled, I'll probably limit my online time to weekends. School and everything else must come first.

I love my online world and online friends. They are all wonderful people that help contribute to me, but I know you can get lost in the online world and make it your whole life. I don't need to do that right now. I want to finish my education and get my life going. Thank you all.

decisions....

Yah know all my posts are named that XD but its true about my life the past few years. constant decisions, not stability...and all i want is one school so i can finish college.

Last week i lost my job...its not a sad loss seeing as i wasn't all that happy...just disappointing cause i still owe woods 1200. Woods in the end was just too expensive. I can't afford 4k/year and go to school in the middle of no where with no license. Very hard to get a job in a small town like that. I will miss William Woods though. Their program doesn't just work on your education but your personal being. Lead lets you have experiences I never got at ETSU. I knew I could grow so much as a person if i stayed, but I just can't afford it. I had to take care of myself and pay for school. Those expenses cost more than 4k a year.

So I returned home and have continued my hunt. I thought of going to ut cause its close. Its program doesn't offer the same classes or understanding as woods. The program is more mainstreamed than Deaf oriented. Wasn't too estatic about that. I took a second look at uncg since that was in nc. My brothers are in the carolinas. Feeling somewhat close to family at a school would be more of a comfort. UNCG has a program focused on Deaf professions in teaching, advocacy, and interpreting. They have a lot of classes I want. I was excited...I've started the application process for uncg. O_O i swear they want me to give blood!! Either way, both schools require me to give 30 credit hours or more for general studies...um...oops? Well there goes that chance. I'm not that far from such an idea, but I doubt I'll have what they want by fall. I will have to hold off til spring or next fall because I have yet to do my taxes or fasfa for august. I usually do it on time but i've just had so much to do and had some of my things lost. Its completely delayed me.

So now, i am talking with nashville state and Northeast state. Nashville state has classes that are completely online and northeast just has my application...has for years XD haha. They kinda have the same view as ungc vs ut programs. Nashville state is completely flexible and has classes i want while northeast is just convenient. NE i can get in faster, but I'd prefer nashville state if i can get in. Its just so late to register. It'd be easy if i had already had done my taxes. only takes two weeks for fafsa.

oh well the race is on. I need many credits, 10 to 12 varying to the school, before i can attend. I can get 6 this summer. If i can find a way to get more money, maybe able to get more . who knows.  My hope is to go to uncg then to etsu. Maybe attend both at the same time if possible. I still want to take garman's history class! Its awesome! :D

We shall see how this works out. I'll apply to both ut and uncg to see who accepts me.

Decisions....

I'm tired right now, but I want to type about this before I forget to . I've argued with this in my head over and over. I require a lot from my education in interpreting, especially after what I learned at woods. The Woods program is very Deaf-minded in the sense of considering Deaf culture, having others understand Deaf, and many other things. We even discussed issues like how interpreters can oppress Deaf and Deaf rights. There is a program closer in Greensboro that looks just as good. They even have a Deaf advocacy major. But, my life is here in northeast Tennessee, as it has been since i graduated high school in 2001.

My answer came to me when I got a job last week and was assured to me when i went to work today, tired as i maybe. I realized that I need to work and have a good life to help me while I'm in college. The past two years have been rough. I can't handle it any longer. UT has a program. I wouldn't call it the best in regards to the classes I've seen listed, but at least its a program. UT isn't that far away, and I can take summer classes on the things I would have at woods through Nashville State and a few other schools that offer classes that are similar. I don't like settling, but I need to for now. If something in my life causes that to change, I'll see what I want to do from there. What it looks like at this moment is I should stay here and get my education. I plan on taking my core interpreting classes at UT and my generals and digital media classes at ETSU. Financial aid can only be given to one school. I don't have financial aid at ETSU til I retake comp 1 and both US history class, but I can have financial aid at UT. So, I will have my financial aid go to UT. The extra can be saved for ETSU classes. This is possible because the extra money at these two schools is given before the semester starts. Its pretty good money for the next year since I didn't make much last year. If i still have extra - since I'm still counted as poor-, I can save it for when I end up on loans again. Its good to be instate and at a cheap school :p

I need to lay down. i'm exhausted.

5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Decisions...decisions...

Beginning of the month I was faced with a decision....to keep where I live by paying the deposits and signing the lease or finding a new place by march first. I wasn't sure at first. I wanted to continue and make a life here, but it was sorta a selfish hope too. I stay in fulton for myself, and no one else. Its really selfish. I have lina and my sister here too. Fulton doesn't benefit them. I brought them into the room and talked. We thought we'd moved to columbia but sign the lease if it doesn't work out. There was a third plan of me and lina returning home if we couldn't find a place. As the week progressed, I just wanted to go home. So much has happened over the past few months. I've had the hardest time since I first moved to mo keeping a place. I would go from one room for rent/sublease to another. I never had a place of my own to keep. I was hoping this place would be it. The truth though sits me in the face. I have a house that is old and 550 a month. It needs to be fixed up and I don't have the money for it. Jobs are all the way in columbia. I have no license. Its been suspended for almost two years. I have probably thousands in fines that need to be paid.

I've realized that i need to figure out my next steps in life. I love going to woods. The asl program is amazing and everything i want. I love all that I'm learning. McCray's perspective on Deaf and what we should do on interpreters is what I want as apart of my education cause I've seen so many treat Deaf as if they are disabled, stupid, or what not. Its not right. They have full lives. They just can't hear. They have a world and community all their own. The other day I was told by some tax preparer owner that I was so kind to do things for Deaf. I wanted to smack him or something. The way he talked about them was just completely wrong. I am interested in interpreting and asl studies because I love asl and at woods i learned that the area of Deaf studies incorporates everything I love studying into one degree. All my questions and concerns about the direction I was going in had been answered in that one semester. I loved it. i couldn't get enough of what I was studying. I was in my element among the interpreting students. I loved that woods took on the aspect that many interpreters out there weren't at the level that they should be and wanted asl to be our B language (second language that you are fluent as possible with since its not your native language). Its not about the job, but the people we serve.

But, I also had trouble at woods. I've been out of college for too long. I would have breezed through last semester with no issues if i was fresh out of high school. I was able to breeze until i was 22. I could do math and english easily. i can't now. I need help. I need my basics taken care of in an environment where I'm not alone and always searching for help. Away from Tennessee, I'm always seeking out home and work while trying to attempt school. Its not going so well for me. I know i can have what I need back home while going to school. I have many adjustments I have not made that I need for school. I need to focus on my general classes so that I can pass and be adjusted to school. It may take me a long time to pass, but I need to take the best path for me. Many options lay before me to help me. I can attend UT, go to nashville state or northeast state. I can return to ETSU once I've taken three good grade classes so that my gpa is back up. I think I should probably look at northeast or nashville state for the summer. Would only do nash state if they are doing asl 2. I have til july to figure out my next step....if i'll return to woods or if i'll stay to take care of my core classes.

A few other issues deal with transportation, my tickets, and a few other things. These may determine when i graduate.

There's a lot for me to think about and figure out over the next few months. I need to be an a place where I can do that. The best place is at home at my mothers. As hectic as it can be there, its home and where I can get my head together. Hopefully, I'll know by july. If not, I'll attend northeast state and ETSU until I do.

Connecting

Growing up, I always felt like the child that didn't belong. I don't think that it didn't help that I didn't really have friends until high school. I couldn't call many of the people I met before then friends. They often just would say to me they are my friend to me, but turn around and deny it when asked. I always kept trying to fit in where I could and be apart of things I really didn't care about. There were kind kids along the way that were helpful in many ways, but we were never friends. They were just nice enough to help me.

In high school, I slowly gained people who showed me that friendships were more than I thought them to be. It was so nice for people to be nice to me...I can't say everyone was kind to me. I still had my problems and dealt with them to the best of my ability or just ignored the immaturity of such things. Wasn't really worth my time after nine years of it. I also learned old pains hold tight when never confronted too. I remember when I first saw Tina whatever her last name was that started with an M and Courtney Carrington (yea probably mispelled it). I went to school with Courtney in elementry school. Don't remember a thing...just remember that elementry school was lonely and kids like courtney were never kind at that age. Leaving elementry school, I had hopes of a new life and bad things not following me. That failed cause nikki came too and people were less tolerant in middle school. Yeah...being made fun of was way better than being locked in a tall locker by twenty kids cause they thought it was funny. oh joy! Tina came to my middle school my first year of middle school. She wanted to get kicked out. I was the underdog. So, she put a 'kill me' sign on my back to see about getting suspended to go back to her old  middle school. All that did was prompt a new rule about picking on other children. Anyway, I do admit I think part of me still held things against them for a while. I still don't like seeing tina when I see her on the internet. Not cause of that, just not my quality of person. Eh, maybe just my opinion....but I have right to such a thing. Courtney I was cool with over time. It just makes you realize how painful hurts can be...and they have to be faced. Anyway, I made friends in high school and made the best of my days. I can't say i completely connected. There was always a feeling of something missing, as much as I loved everyone I was friends with in high school.

After high school, I found friends I connected with and felt right with. No issues, no empty feelings. They are as crazy as me and make me feel understood. I could always be myself around them. They loved and accepted my crazy ways. Sometimes enjoyed or encouraged! "Don't feed the catasaurus" people! haha. They showed me that we may not have a lot in things we like to do in common...but we held other things that were far more important like ideas and morals that were far deeper than objects or events. We had a bond of friendship thats far more important than anything. I still hold tight to those friends. I think maybe part of me was missing that I had not discovered yet either that helped it when I was older. I love the feeling I get when I'm around those I feel connected to. I'm not only myself, but i feel very at home. I remember even crying when I heard angel was sad about me moving to mo back in 2009. I mean she's my best friend. Sucks when you hurt someone like that.....but the best part i've learned about good friends is that they are always there and its almost like you haven't left when you see them again....okay minus a few stories and updates. hehe. Some people I've reconnected with and I feel like I have a better friendship on my side now than I did before, which is where the self theory comes from.

I honestly think that right now I'm homesick. This is the longest I've gone without returning back to my mother's to see everyone cause i'm trying to build a life. Its hard when you know you left a full life behind somewhere else that would just take a 12 or so hours drive to get to and less than a week to settle back into...then be as if you never left. It always floats in my mind, but I then remember how happy I am pursuing what I'm doing....and i become determined. Every day that I'm in my classes for my major I just can't wait to return to learn more. The adjustment is hard, but I'll make it. Once everything is settled, I'll go home and visit everyone. Maybe even help Angles put Adams in a headlock. :P I just need to stick through it so I can come out with flying colors. I can't let the homesickness get to me.

I love you all. All my friends are special to me....and no i'm not drunk and nothing's really wrong. O_o got those two messages the other night when i sent that out. I love you teffy. Your replies make my day XD ...haha bakc to what i was saying, I can't wait to see everyone again. You all are with me as I go through this.

dang i'm sleepy! must walk around or something. Got things to do today!

Pretty Happy

So, I know in life we have ideas of how things should go and what should happen. As we grow, we sometimes hold on to some ideas or let go of others. I've thought about the ideas i've had getting older. Most of the child-like ideas I had of life are gone. I stopped really even holding on to how my life should go or what I should do with it thats proper for me to do. My life has been complicated in its own way to cause me to realize and see that I can't plan no matter what. I just live day to day trying to get through that day....when the day ends....I remember the great things that happened and smile. I attempted to make plans, but I don't get upset if they fail. I take another route. I know as a kid and teen I always had happy thoughts of what I would call a "Pretty Happy" life. This was an idea of a perfect life I would have when I was an adult. I can say that its been no where near this idea. My adulthood has changed who I am completely. I don't see those ideas of "Pretty Happy" either. They were ideas of a young unexperienced person. I'm still unexperienced in many ways, but life is awesome like that. You are never without something you haven't done. My ideas now just are from what I've learned and what i know work for MY life. I like them.

With my education though, I dont' think that could be stopped by any changes. I've fought too long and hard to get here. If something goes bad, i can go from plan a to plan zzz for all i care. I want a career that makes me happy. Sign Language and working with Deaf does this. I will fight to the bone for this.

Everything else is up in the air. I dont' plan or care to. there are things I want and hope for, but I don't seek them out. I like them coming more naturally. I can think maybe one day....but maybe one day doesn't matter. What matters is now because its what I live in.

A little fun for you all

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re frame or reinterpret the first part.  It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father.  Not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you,. But it's still on the list. 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go.  Others, whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the "target".

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

my birthday

So i figured my birthday was going to be quite boring since i'm far away. Turns out the ability of technology is amazing at distances. I expected fb posts. Some were awesome and others were just the shiznit. As usual, angles did the best happy birthday of the day! second best gift today! Sorry, I know you usually win first, but you got topped....and no not in the way you described or in the way you prefer. XD though you should ask james to help you with the way you prefer.

I logged online this morning. People on skype were wishing my happy birthday all around. It was fun an they continued so in second life. People get around fast from skype to sl! (btw majority of my skype are people in sl) Cara gave me the best card! i laughed and couldn't stop

So i went to lunch then went to the info office. felt like self appreciation without technology so i said "its my birthday" Got wished happy bday a few times then realized it was noon XD ran to my dorm cause i had an exam in an hour. I turn on my comp with messages! There was a surprise while i was gone! I was excited about said surprise!! But seems something happened and it poofed. I did a few things to get ready to log off and prepare. Said surprise popped in again! OMG! I was excited. Best present today! oh to linars and cara, I didn't get my ass beat! XD its been reserved for a 'regular day'. :: gets ducks out and carries them :: shhhhh. its our secret! Rest of the day was good. Went to my exam and got the standard history evil eye (this one cause i was reasonably late...got locked out and sat for ten mins cause i felt rude knocking...til i realized 'this is my final' so i jiggled the handle). Didn't finish cause i got caught up in what i was writing. Went back to my dorm and just chilled. I had fun though. That was the best part. i expected it to be so boring, but it was fun. I still want some of that cool whip angles! bend over!!

The whole day was awesome. I just have to say i have the best family and friends (Whether online or offline friends). Thank you all for making an expected boring bday wonderful!

side effects of my obesity

Many who know me now a days know I'm obese. I'm only 100 or so over, but i've been this far over weight for years. I've started to see lately that I am suffering the side effects of this. My heart and body cant take it anymore. Right now, I'm laying in bed on the last day of school because it hurts. I've told one teacher on the way out of the interpreting dept i won't be in class. I will be emailing the other two classes i have left. Dang my ASL 1 teacher was right about going home and resting. Ugh I hate pain.

I've got a plan and hopefully help to lose the weight. As long as I dont have to worry about work for the next year I can do it. I still have my information from ETSU about weight loss and how to do it. So hopefully i can start. I even got a weight loss buddy so i won't feel silly! XD Hey i didn't have to worry about this stuff when i was young. I miss when i was able to walk for seven hours. (Did that once to give a book to someone. Was a stupid idea, but i had plenty back then haha.)

Hopefully all this will work out. for now, i need to relax til the pain goes away. I'm goign to take some pain reliever now. later

College in your late twenties

So i know i don't write in this like i should due to school being a bit more than i thought. You start to realize the longer you have been out of school and in the work force that it doesn't come as easy as it use to. I don't even remember how to write a proper essay! haha. I have been meaning to write a few things so while i'm relaxing from cleaning, I'll start.

When i came to woods, I wasn't so sure if i really wanted to go into deaf interpreting. I'm excellent on second guessing myself and wanting to be sure. But, the only way to know is to take the classes. Woods encourages self exploration of such things. I was very very nervous my first day, but i stayed comfortable in class. I loved my asl teacher. He was great. I love asl, so yes i was eager to want to learn more. I went into asl career studies. This class is an introduction to the field. It covers many things that we'll get more deeper into as the years pass. As McCray spoke, I came to realize that my major was perfect for me. I never thought of the aspects it included in social science and other areas I loved to be an interpreter. The things it took to understand. The major actually incorporated many things I love into one thing. I was excited!

As the semester rolled on, it got hard. It was hard because I was working at walmart, my work at home job, and my work study postion. Walmart became too much after a month. They weren't adhering to my school schedule. I was already behind. Midterms came....I looked at my midterms versus my work schedule. There was no way i could continue this way. I would fail at one or the other because They were working me every night before class. I had to stay up through class then do my work at home job til nine pm. After that I was exhausted. I had been up since eight am the day before since I had to still do my work study job on tuesdays and thursdays. I didn't have any time for school work. I am sad i quit. They were about to change my position and schedule, but I just couldn't do it any longer. I called in then quit.

I passed my miterms then tried to catch up in school. It was hard. I caught up in asl careers easily. It was mostly a lecture class with some reading in for hearing people only and american ways. She did have other things for us, but my teacher understands the student mind all too well. She knows there are many things we won't do if we don't have to. History,t here was no way to get caught up on the reading. I missed many assignments. I did well on my miterm. He worked with what he could with me. I was utterly failing math, and still am. I just literally can't understand my teacher. She doesn't separate personal and professional life all too well. I've heard more about her personal life than about math. I've recently gave up on her. I'm going to have to learn all six chapters on my own and seek some sort of help next week so i can pass in some sort of way, or go out in a blaze of glory.

I have sort of a blessing and a curse right now. I'm not working because my work at home job works with colleges. The colleges don't need our promotion right now. Obviously cause of the holidays. So my only money is whatever is left on my work study. Yet this has given me the chance to catch up on school in what capacity i can. It lets me do my research this week so i can have my essay done on the first. (Yes i k now its close, but its been sorta rough with the rest)

other good news is that my school understands how rough the first semester can be. If i don't utterly fail the semester but fall below a 2.0, the school will give me one more semester to prove myself. IF i get the 1700-1800, I owe the school then I can go next semester. If not, i have to find a college that has asl 2 next summer so i won't fall behind. hte key to all my classes so i don't fall behind is keeping up my asl classes. As long as i pass asl 1-5, I may still graduate in 2014. I've become determined though that it doesn't matter if i have financial aid that I have worked five years to get this far. I will pay what it takes to graduate out of my own pocket. Life is tough, but i'm tougher.

As for now, i'm focused to do what it takes to pass and making sure i'm settled with everything i need this time before I start school again. The way school began this semester was just a lesson of what needs to be done before i start school. I gotta have everything set before hand because there's not much time for anything else once i start. My major is not easy. Its quite complex in its own way. McCray prefers it that way. I can understand it. Much is laid on our hands once we leave. We represent many things. Sadly those without training never know or learn this. They just feel they are good enough then attack the field. I don't want to be that way. Many Deaf have suffered at their hands, especially in education. many school systems will take someone with less skills if it includes paying less money. It makes that child's education suffer.

I am job hunting, but not actively. The colleges need temporary workers while the students are gone. We have three bookstore companies here. I think i got potential for work over the holidays. My work at home job will return then during the summer I can get a real job that will pay what i need.

I need to go. have a great day

an email

o_O Oops wrong blog!! I removed what i put in here cause i know this automatically posts to my facebook

hording

So okay julie watches this hoarder show on tlc and a&e. I'm sorta hooked now. Not cause its shocking....but cause i know it could be me. My aunt Karen was her own type of hoarder. I know i get some of it from being around her. She always says i may need this for here or there then later throws it away or gives it away. I prefer giving since it doesn't feel wasted. I use to call myself a packrat, which isn't much different. Michael helped me take notice to my habits and helped me try to let go. He'd say things like "Janay! You don't need a receipt from McDonald's from three months ago unless you are going to throw it up now and say it made you sick." Sometimes the strangest things take my notice :P I know I still have the tendencies to want to buy and be prepared for what may happen then buy cause I'm stressed out. The past year has taught me I can't ever be prepared for anything or everything that may happen....cause the unexpected happens first. I just accept it and go on.

I have habits I've created to stop prevent hoarding or buying in general. I convince myself I'm broke without money or if i buy something then I'll not have money for some object i feel I need. It only goes wrong when my stress levels are overpowering. I work on them the best I can.

I also know i can't stop it. When i leave a place, you'll find me sorting through things to see what i need or don't....then you end up with tons of things getting given away or thrown out hte door cause I don't see the point. i do horde crafts. I want to craft again, but I haven't stayed in one place long enough or i was working too much at ACT. I hope to start on them next year once I have a desk to place them on :p I refuse to do them on anything but a desk. haha. I sometimes horde other things, but i'm not as bad as I use to be. I'd take in anything. I TRY to think of do i need it now. If i don't feel I'm in the right mindset, I'll pass it by cause I hate getting things then later thinking "Why did i even want this". I let go easier, but I still am afraid of becoming a hoarder. Those shows remind me of how bad it could get if I don't keep a watch on it.

School is finally here!

So a lot has been going through my head since orientation last weds. I mean go onto this campus after all these years of trying to become just an asl major alone. Its kinda cool to talk with other students and hear "What major are you?" "ASL" "Really?" "Yeah." "Me too!" Just being on the Woods campus is like being told you finally made it....the feeling of finally being somewhere with my major that I worked hard and struggled the past year to get to then finally have others in the same major around me just feels awesome. One girl has taken a liking to me thats a double asl major like I am. She'll approach me when she sees me. Its kinda cool. Makes me kinda miss adams and angles cause the familiar is always good to have around. Orientation was good. Took care of a lot of business and learned about that whole greek thing (always wanted to understand the point). I thought about rushing but then I thought about the next year. Its not the best idea right now since it requires commitments I can't do. I'll still be active for my lead points to keep my lead scholarship, but I'm going to end up with about two part time jobs and one that could go either part time or full time...part of me doesn't want to wait on walmart cause i need to take care of bills and just get back on my feet to where I'm comfortable....though the truth to that is I'll never be settled til about march 2011 since I have a lot to take care of. XD who knows maybe I"ll never settle. I mean the longest i've lived in one place was high school! haha.

So today was the first day of school. I stayed up catching up on undercover boss. >.< yeah I know don't stay up late. I woke up and got ready for school. Got to class late since I don't move near campus til friday....so i'm like thirty or so mins away. Parking is hellish! I was at the end of my asl class, since first day isn't the full hour. I walked in and a girl was talking in the back of the room, so i thought she was the teacher then i noticed all the students looked forward to the front of the room. She was the teacher's interpreters. It was cool though. I chose Woods for the fact that they are involved, have a deaf community nearby to give opportunities while I study, small town, and a ton of other reasons. I sit down and fill out my name for attendance. Teacher explains the syllabus and teaches us "class dismissed" then shows us "you want class dismissed" in sign and we were to answer yes or no in sign. :P I answered no. haha. The teacher kinda laughed then released the class. I went to find my car to move it. I park it at walmart, which is a block away. Why? Cause its 50 bucks for a parking sticker! OMG! I'm cool with walking til winter. haha. I come back then go to the commuter student louge. I chatted with a lady for a few mins then tried setting up my wireless for school while listening to these girls talk. I tried being nice at a few points, but I felt like they just felt they were above others. its like gamers with newbies....freshmen are still learning and its their first day, give us a chance....and don't act like you're above freshmen cause you didn't take all your general/common courses in your early years. Next came my algebra 2 class. I got lost cause the same person was in there from earlier. (majority of my classes are in the same building cause its the building where they do ASL) They asked me what class then they told me it was the right one. I went in. We laughed and wrote which dwarf we'd be. (Yes lina we sung small world after all too XD j/k ) Then we all talked about ourselves to introduce us to the class. Seemed ot be a good group of students. She talked about the class and what to expect. Next I went to ASL Career, which is to help introduce us to the deaf culture and what it is to be an asl interpreter. Its taught by a Woods professor/ASL advisor who is an interpreter outside the campus. She told us about class and what to expect. She spoke about issues in deaf culture and the interpreter world that we would discuss that I knew nothing about. very interesting controversies out there. I spoke with her about STLCC classes and Interships future wise. I know most will look to getting their internship in mo. I'm thinking I may speak with ETSU or the medical people in ne tn for my internship. Who knows. I won't make plans til I get to that point. I had my last class, history.  History teacher is fun and has a good sense of humor. Still not as good as garman, haha. We introduced ourselves. I got tired of it by then so he asked my name and i said, "I'm bob! I have no home town!" then took it another direction. We discussed the classes and I got to find out what I need to do to have a lower priced book. He doesn't like it being 150 for a book set.

I've actually been nervous about my choice to go into ASL til today. As i went into my two classes, I realized it combines a lot of things i love; interacting with people, communicating and working with people, social sciences (mostly psy and sociology), and various other things. I'm actually excited for what I want to do in school. I get to do everything I love and constantly learn new things even through my career. It's an endless adventure to me. I can't wait to get fluent then volunteer in the community or at the school for the deaf. I can't wait to explore what area I prefer and so forth. Its just exciting cause there is no limit as an interpreter at what I can do! The world really is my oyster....eat up! XD

Family

I was thinking about this past year earlier today. Since Jan'09 I've gone through a lot more than in the past...and a year ago I decided to move to mo. My family has been great about it. They have expressed how they felt but still supported me through the process. Mom would say things like, "I don't like it and don't agree, but if it makes you happy." there are things they could have done to keep me back in tn and not doing what I have been doing. they could have not helped support me, but they have. They have been there the whole way doing the best they can. 

I'm very thankful for the family and friends that I have. I hate that i make them go through so much shit, but I"m glad everyone, even doug, is there for me. Yes, I know doug can seem like an asshole or get on people's nerves cause he says things before thinking about how it'll effect others. But, I think he is doing far better than he use to. Maybe the word thing will be fixed, who knows.

As I go forward, I just hope that I can give back to them as they've given to me through this journey. It just reminds me that I have family and am loved. I have amazing friends, like angles and adams, that support me and remind me to do what makes me happy. They also say and do things that make me laugh and chill through my day. Its amazing that I'm 1200 or so miles away, but my friends can still make me smile

I appreciate you all. Thank you.

Time marches on

So lets see i've been here ten days or so :: looks at a calendar :: yeah about ten days. Figure i should update. Getting here, my boss let me have the day off cause i told her about not sleeping well for two days due to packing. I knew I needed a second job cause I'm just not making enough to catch up on bills and live on my own. I can't live on campus cause it'll cost me about 500 or so a month to share a dorm and eat crappy food...i ate at tucker lunch hall...it is crappy tasting. I also needed to house hunt. I thought job first til ju's strange neighbors started yelling or banging on ju's door. One guy actually has a sign on the door that if he hears noise he'll call the cops...he's ju's next door neighbor....-_- He just had to be her neighbor. One guy wouldn't stop knocking all night and we didn't know why. So house hunting came up. I started looking around fulton. We learned something in one day....we have bad credit and you can't job hunt with students coming in for college....makes it harder to get a place cause all the landlords think "i got better options on the way". So we gave up and started to look into ways to help julie with bills and such. I figured i can look later when they are a bit more desperate. hehe. I thought i could help Ju with my paycheck but i haven't been doing outbounds....so >.> my paycheck for about two weeks is gonna be say maybe 100 bucks or less. Me and julie started pulling up options cause her landlord started pulling out crazy fees while i was gone! Julie gave up then found a place in fulton for me then decided to take the option she had in STL, even though she doesn't feel she can live in stl cause she thinks she lacks qualifications. (Don't think she remembers they are training for the upcoming tax year atm at the saint charles office.)

I went to the fulton place. I talked to them. its 250 mo room for rent with utlities and internet. Its decent and ten miles from school. This helps since jeff city takes 1/4th a tank one way. Wonder if its legal to go 10 under the speed limit in mo >.> cause 70 mi/hr takes a lot of gas it seems compared to 60 mi/hr. This fulton idea would save me on gas since I don't make much right now. I hate that call center work has its seasons....really sucks when you go from making 3k/mo to 400/mo or less.(I could make more but my dedication sucks at time as does my sentences when i speak...its based on performance and attendance...i suck at attendance) I've taken it. They mentioned having spare rooms. I talked with them. They were willing to take ju in. I brought her by the next day and arrangements were made.

Before i went to see the fulton place, I got a call from walmart in Jeff City. The next day, I went for two interviews then was offered the job the day after. This I wouldn't mind traveling to Jeff City for. It also has potential for moving forward to the fulton walmart, which is a block from school, cause of what wire (walmart's hr system) offers internally. I go monday for my final paperwork. I pray everything works out right. Whats great is its third shift. I can go to work, go to school, come home and sleep, do homework, go to work...and do it all over again. My only thing is figuring out how to keep my WaH job.

School is going well. I may have to drop english since its a T TH class and all my others are MWF. I can take it in the spring. My main concern is my ASL classes more than general. Generals can be taken at any school. I can even do them as distance classes. I am fine with financial aid as long as i keep 12 credits....i have a 2500 award that requires me to be full time. I'm a bit scared of starting school cause its finally at the serious point, but it is what comes first before everything else. I will sacrifice whatever I have to so i can pass. I've worked too hard to get this far.

Thats my story and i'm sticking too it :p

Take care. Time to watch the bleach movie on tv then to bed. I got sunday off as usual. May log into work to see if i get calls. -_- yeah i'm desperate to be working seven days straight. Really need to get back on outbounds. I think its cause of the moving and school starting that they think i'm unreliable. who knows.

Love your baby girl

So i'm back home in mo, which means i'll be blogging more often. The reason i blog is to let those i love know whats going on. Last night when i started out towards the long 12 hr trip, I thought about things...mostly..my mom cried when i left. My mom goes through a lot with me over the past ten years, but she's very strong and amazing. She's always been there all my life even though we didn't live with her our whole life. The past nine years has been hard and she's been there. She was there when dad told me not to come back home cause I wanted to help a friend instead of staying at my grandmother's to finish out my driving class. She didn't push me to go to tn at first. She understood we were young and 18. My friends and I wanted to have our own place and feel all adult...sadly we didn't understood what that entailed. After a week or two of teens doing crazy things, she took me back to tn/va since we couldn't get a place of our own. I stayed the summer with family then went to mom's in bristol in august to get a job. She taught me to drive then helped me get a license. She helped me as i struggled to get my first job then got one at sonic. (Its frustrating when mcd's says you don't have experience for them to hire you >.>)

Over the years though, I've learned a lot cause of my mom. If i don't know, I go to her and ask. She's always willing to give advice. She's patient as I discover my world and try to figure out what I want for my life. I tell people, with pride honestly, I am my mother's daughter. I mean that as in I am very much like my mother. Most would think this is bad, but my mom is a great person. She doesn't always make the wisest move but she does her best to follow her heart and live life to the best of her ability. She's helped me with so much over the years. She was there with a uhaul and my brothers when i went back to sc to go to g'ville tech and it fell through. She helped me get home when i went to cali and needed to return home cause something was found in my chest. (its still there >.>) She was there when Michael broke up with me to call nathan to tell him why i couldn't talk then stayed through the whole process. She was there on my stupid chattanooga run back in summer'07 when I wanted to start my asl degree before learning tn was dropping it. She helped me get my car and helped me get my apt in johnson city while I focused on work and finally starting on being serious about my asl education. She was there when I wanted to start at a school finally and went  applying. She was there when I started at ETSU and lost my job at ACT. She helped me learn about medical insurance and unemployment. She's helped me in finding out the medical issues I have and figuring out what they really were. She supported me when I moved to mo last august to see if the schools in mo were what i wanted for my education, since they have both associates and bachelors....which isn't common from what i've researched. She's still with me today as I journey to get to the point I've worked to for five years, starting my asl bachelors at an asl school. I've been through a lot of hell the past year, so it makes being at WWU truly worth it.

Mom has suffered and cried many many tears while still encouraging me through everything. She's the reason I have the hope I have and encourage others to dream without limits. Its why I use sl because I believe we shouldn't have limits, and second life is the world without limits. I stopped believing in the idea of settling for what i'm given and go for my dreams. The next four or so years (i'm a double major in asl and interpreting) will include many risks. I hope to be able to do it on my own....and without crazy roommates who are bipolar or having yapping dogs...well lina's crazy but i love her type of crazy. haha. Mom has given me to the tools i need for my future. Now i can step forward and do what i need to have the life i wish for.

We joke that i owe mom hundreds of thousands of dollars, but I owe mom everything for making me the adult I am and letting me grow instead of telling me what adult i should be. If i ever have kids, I wouldn't mind being the crazy mom she is cause she's an amazing mother. She says she regrets many things, but those things have made her who she is. As J Reu says, "Hindsight is a beautiful thing when you can look back and see what time can bring." Remember changing the past and regretting it changes who you are now and the life you have. ;) Never regret. Learn, enjoy, and smile that you lived well.

now to watch ju's crazy reality shows >.> or just chat on sl haha